Joke Type: one-liner

One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • I didn’t even know he was a health nut

    I don’t really understand the popularity of this Pilate’s workout, but then, I’m not a very religious person. Hell, I didn’t even know he was a health nut.

  • I wouldn’t have to pay so much

    The zoo should be open 24 hours a day. That way, when I’m drunk at 3 a.m. and feel like seeing a monkey, I wouldn’t have to pay so much.

  • You don’t get any bigger than that

    If I could be any concept, I would be infinity, ’cause man, you don’t get any bigger than that!

  • Mother Nature and the Buttercups

    I was out playing golf and sliced a shot into a field of buttercups.

    Just as I was about to hit, I heard a voice say, “Don’t hurt any buttercups.”

    I asked, “Who are you?”

    “I’m Mother Nature. If you can chip out of this field of buttercups without harming a single one, I’ll guarantee you have butter every day for the rest of your life.”

    I said, “Screw you. Where were you last week when I sliced into a field of pussy willows?”

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  • Before and After Marriage

    Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.

    After marriage, the “Y” becomes silent.

  • The Joke He Didn’t Tell

    A blind man accidentally walks into a ladies’ bar.

    He feels his way to a stool, sits down, and orders a drink.

    After a while, he calls out to the bartender, “Hey, want to hear a blonde joke?”

    The bar goes completely silent.

    Then, in a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know a few things.

    First, the bartender is blonde. Second, the bouncer is blonde. Third, I’m a six-foot-tall, 200-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. Fourth, the woman next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. And fifth, the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.”

    She pauses. “Now think carefully… do you still want to tell that joke?”

    The blind man sits quietly for a moment, then shakes his head.

    “Nah… not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”

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  • The impotent couldn’t come

    We recently opened a shelter for the poor, needy, and the impotent.

    The poor and needy showed up, but the impotent couldn’t come.

  • Is it still considered a beef?

    If two vegans are having an argument…

    Is it still considered a beef?

  • He was a good buoy

    Did you hear about the dog who was floating in the ocean?
    He was a good buoy…