Joke Type: pun

Pun jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Too Weak Notice

    I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

    I just handed in my too weak notice.

  • Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

    The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

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    15. Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!

    14. I say zip it — zip it good!

    13. Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.

    12. Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!

    11. Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!

    10. Just Say Whoa

    9. Join the celibate Top 5 Contributors!

    8. The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!

    7. Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!

    6. Leave It Near Beaver

    5. Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5” reruns.

    4. You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!

    3. Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!

    2. Spend a little time away from the orifice.

    1. “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

    The Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

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    15. Double your measure, double your gun

    14. Share a stick with the one you love

    13. Just like the Cubs at Wrigley Field, you, too, will be able to play at night!

    12. The flavor that never lets you down

    11. We put the “spear” in “spearmint”

    10. Double your pleasure, double your fun, halve your whining about how it’s never happened before

    9. Chew it all the way home

    8. New Wrigley’s Viagra gum: We bring your thing to life

    7. Time for the seven-inch stretch!

    6. Melts in your mouth, not in your pants

    5. Have *you* had a stick lately?

    4. Hey old man, wanna piece of candy?

    3. Recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists as an effective way to fill cavities

    2. Forget the flavor — *you’ll* be like a bedpost overnight

    1. It’s Wrigidly Delicious!

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Penis Dishes (R-rated version)

    The Top 16 Penis Dishes (R-rated version)

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    16. Weenieschnitzel

    15. Ding-Dongs

    14. Buffalo Wangs

    13. Chicken Marphallus

    12. Shish-ka-bobbitt

    11. Mansmeat Pie

    10. Wangers and Mash

    9. Standing Ribbed Roast (for her pleasure)

    8. Beef Swellington

    7. Rocky Mountain Sausage

    6. Beans ‘n’ Frank’s Frank

    5. Veal Scallopeepee

    4. Host-less Twinkie

    3. Spotted Dick (a vas diferens from the traditional British version)

    2. Rootie Tootie Fresh-Cut Woody

    1. Tool House Cookies

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia

    The Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia

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    14. Driving Miss Pushing Up Daisies
    13. Some Like It Cold
    12. Peggy Sue Got Buried
    11. People to Do in Denver Who are Dead
    10. Sex, Flies and Videotape
    9. Lifeless in Seattle
    8. The Right Stiff
    7. Dr. Jekyll and Miss Formaldehyde
    6. How Stella Got Her Grave Back
    5. Four Beddings at a Funeral
    4. The Corpse Whisperer
    3. CASketball
    2. Waiting to Exhume
    1. Blue Vulva

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  • Top 14 Adult Film Star Nicknames

    The Top 14 Adult Film Star Nicknames

    14. Jack Titanic
    13. Willy Wanka
    12. Delores Galores
    11. Randy “The Groin from Des Moines” Mann
    10. Analstasia
    9. Nattily Wood
    8. Chuck “Big Gun” Heston
    7. Rosie Buttrash
    6. me me cummings
    5. Gonore’ de Balsac
    4. Jock Full O’Nuts
    3. Monty Fuller
    2. Jennifer Love T’Dewitt
    1. Stiffen King

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  • Top 12 Pickup Lines at the Masturbate-a-Thon (X-Rated)

    The Top 12 Pickup Lines Used at the Masturbate-a-Thon (X-rated version)

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    12. “Can I interest you in a protein shake?”

    11. “Hey, handsome. Would you like some coffee with that cream?”

    10. “Hey, is that a cucumber in your pocket? And if so, can I borrow it for about 15 minutes?”

    9. “Avoid the clam dip.”

    8. “I don’t mean this to sound like a typical pick-up line, but you have beautiful labia.”

    7. “Hello, Richard. My name’s Dick. Have you met my friend, Peter?”

    6. “How’d you like to blow this joint?”

    5. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘goo’ and ‘eye’ together.”

    4. “Care to get rid of the sock and slip into something more comfortable?”

    3. “Come here to come here often?”

    2. “Oops — sorry about that. Consider it a compliment. Can I get you a towel?”

    1. “Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
    Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
    Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
    Wanna fuck? Yes? Great!”

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  • Top 17 Safe Porn Movies

    The Top 17 Safe Porn Movies (R-rated)

    17. Cold Shower Mountain

    16. The Abstinent-Minded Professor

    15. The Silence of the Loins

    14. Mickey Blue Balls

    13. Boys on the Side of Caution

    12. Full Metal Chastity Belt

    11. Harry Potter and the Extremely Dog-Eared Issue of Swank

    10. The Longest Yawn

    9. Emmanuelle Goes Pennsylvania Dutch

    8. Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice… Have a Lovely Game of Bridge

    7. Bone Alone

    6. Fakin’ 2: Battery-Operated Boogaloo

    5. Debbie Does Bupkis

    4. Papa’s Celibate Condition

    3. White Men Can’t Hump

    2. Girl on Girl, Interrupted

    1. All Quiet on the Wankin’ Front

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

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  • My Butt on the Account

    My mouth keeps writing checks my butt can’t cash, so I got my butt on the account, too. Unfortunately, it tends to blurt out my account number at inopportune times, like it did when I was applying for a mortgage last week. At least that’s what I told the loan agent.

  • Long Ass Day

    Long Ass Day

    IT WAS A LONG ASS DAY