Pun jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
How do you keep your bagel from getting away?
You put lox on it.
Why won’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be bagels.
What’s leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Went to school with a guy who was born without eyelids. He underwent surgery where they circumcised him and used the foreskin to create natural looking eyelids. The operation was a success.
He still looks a little cockeyed though.
I just got a job making toy Dracula dolls.
There’s only 1 other employee, so I have to make every second count.
I had a neighbor who was a barber, but he doesn’t cut hair any longer.
He cuts it shorter.
Do you know what’s great about orcas?
They do a killer whale impression.
The FDA just approved a medication for lesbians with depression.
It’s called Trycocksagain.
Two men are sitting next to each other on a train, both sporting black eyes. Naturally curious, the first man looks at the other and says, “So, how’d you get the black eye?”
The other man replies, “Well, it was a Freudian slip.”
“What’s that?” the first asks.
“It’s when you mean to say one thing, but you accidentally say another that reveals what you’re really thinking,” explains the second.
The first man nods. “Oh. So what happened?”
“Well,” says the second, “I was buying my ticket for the train, and the woman at the counter had the biggest boobs I’d ever seen. So when I meant to say ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said ‘two pickets to Tittsburgh’—hence the black eye.”
The first guy laughs and says, “That’s funny, something similar happened to me. This morning, I was eating breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say ‘could you pass the jam,’ but I accidentally said, ‘you ruined my life, you stupid bitch!’”
