Joke Type: setup-punchline

Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Boy Who Didnt Know How to Pray

    At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer. “But I don’t know how to pray,” he replied.

    “Just pray for your family members, friends, neighbors, the poor, etc.” “Okay,” stuttered the boy.

    “Dear Lord, Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again.

    Forgive our neighbor’s son who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.

    This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s iPhone…

    And provide shelter for the homeless men who visit Mom’s room when Daddy is at work. Amen.”

  • Did You Call for Me

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A nice looking redhead walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts and within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him and says, “Did you call for me?” The newcomer replies, “No, what do you mean?” The hairy man replies, “You must be new. It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist and she says, “May I help you?” The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!” She replies, “But Sir, you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m an older guy. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 35 times a day.”

  • Me Neither

    A primary school teacher said to a lady, “Madam, I’m sorry to tell you that in class, your son is copying from his classmate.”

    The lady asks, “Why do you say that?”

    The teacher replies, “Well, he and his neighbor make the same mistakes.”

    The lady says, “Ah, but it may be his classmate is copying from him!”

    The teacher replies, “No, because on an assignment they were asked where the island of Montreal is. His classmate wrote, ‘I don’t know,’ and your son wrote, ‘Me neither.’”

  • I Stepped on a Duck

    Three women got into a car accident. They all died. When they got to the gates of heaven, a saint stopped them and said, “There is only one rule in heaven – don’t step on the holy ducks.” They nodded and the saint let them through. Entering heaven, to their surprise, there were ducks everywhere.

    “Holy duck!” one of them exclaimed.

    They all tried their best not to step on one, but the number of ducks was unreal. Two days later, one of them stepped on a duck. The same saint appeared, bringing along the ugliest man that her eyes had witnessed. The saint said, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is being tied to this man for the rest of eternity,” and walked away.

    Two weeks later, a second woman also stepped on a duck. The same saint appeared and she got the same punishment.

    The remaining one, seeing the fates of her friends, got super careful. She managed to go months without stepping on one. Then one day, the saint appeared again, bringing with him the most beautiful man describable, and tied them together without saying anything and left.

    The woman was staring at her new man. The man said, “What?”

    The woman said, “I wonder what I did to deserve being tied to such a handsome man.”

    The man sighed and replied, “Well, I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

  • Oral Sex Aint Much Fun

    A hillbilly couple is lying in bed.

    Otis turns to his wife and says, “Fuck you.”

    A minute goes by and then Rita Mae turns to Otis and says, “Fuck you.”

    Another couple of minutes pass and Otis says, “Fuck you” again to his wife.

    This back and forth goes on for a bit longer when Otis finally turns to his wife and says, “You know, oral sex ain’t much fun.”

  • You Wanted Me to Say Shingles

    A man claims he has the smartest dog in the world. His friend doesn’t believe him.

    “Prove it,” the friend says.

    The man points to his dog and says, “Go get me something to eat.”

    The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.

    “Lucky guess,” says the friend.

    The man tries again: “Go get me something to drink.”

    The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.

    The friend is impressed but still skeptical.

    “Alright… ask him something harder.”

    The man nods and says, “What’s on top of a house?”

    The dog barks, “Roof!”

    The friend laughs. “That’s it? Any dog could do that!”

    The dog looks at him and says, “You wanted me to say shingles?”

  • Its Dark in Here Isnt It

    A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

    Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Yes it is,” the man replies.

    “You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks. “No thanks,” the man replies.

    “I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues. “OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in. “Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

    The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.

    “Yes it is,” replies the man.

    “Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.

    “OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. “Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

    The next weekend, the little boy’s father says, “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”

    “I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.

    “How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

    “Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.

    “SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” the father explains as he hauls the child away.

    At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”

    “Don’t you start that shit in here now,” the priest says.

  • The Siskel and Ebert

    A husband asked his wife to try a new sex position. She was in an adventurous but shy mood so she agreed but asked if they could do it in the dark.

    Following his directions, she got on all fours and was surprised to find herself being entered by both holes at once.

    “Oh, that’s actually very nice, but how are you doing it?”

    “It’s all in the name my darling. It’s called the Siskel and Ebert.”

    “The Siskel and Ebert? What on earth does that mean?”

    “Two thumbs up!”

  • Youll Never Hit Her From Here

    Two guys were out playing golf.

    Dan stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity – looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

    Finally his exasperated friend Ken cried, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”

    “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot,” answered Dan.

    “Forget it, man,” said Ken. “You’ll never hit her from here.”

  • Traumatized by the Ninth Grade

    Wife approaches her husband while he is reading a book.

    “Promise me you won’t get mad,” the wife whispered, her eyes fixed on the floor.

    Her husband looked up from his book. “I promise. What’s going on?”

    “And you won’t hit me?” she pressed.

    The husband laughed, pulled her close, and said, “I have never laid a hand on you and I never will. You can tell me anything.”

    She closed her eyes and braced herself for a slap. “I’m pregnant.”

    “That’s incredible news!” Husband shouted, over the moon. “Why would you think I’d be angry about that?”

    Wife wiped her brow and said, “I guess I’m just traumatized. Because when I told my mom the same thing in the 9th grade, she nearly killed me.”