Joke Type: wordplay

Wordplay jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Butterflies in my stomach

    I’d never make it on one of those “Survivor” shows. Every time I think about eating something like caterpillars, I start to get butterflies in my stomach.

  • A complete prick

    When I first met Richard Peter Johnson, he seemed like a decent guy, but he turned out to be a complete prick.

  • You don’t get any bigger than that

    If I could be any concept, I would be infinity, ’cause man, you don’t get any bigger than that!

  • Cheese in the nose

    Instead of calling a conclusion that does not follow from the underlying logic a non sequitur, which is Latin for “it does not follow,” I think naming it for the Latin phrase for “cheese in the nose” would have made less, and thus more, sense.

  • Mother Nature and the Buttercups

    I was out playing golf and sliced a shot into a field of buttercups.

    Just as I was about to hit, I heard a voice say, “Don’t hurt any buttercups.”

    I asked, “Who are you?”

    “I’m Mother Nature. If you can chip out of this field of buttercups without harming a single one, I’ll guarantee you have butter every day for the rest of your life.”

    I said, “Screw you. Where were you last week when I sliced into a field of pussy willows?”

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  • Inspect Her Gadget

    I’m starting a vibrator repair service.
    I’m calling it “Inspect Her Gadget.”

  • Before and After Marriage

    Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.

    After marriage, the “Y” becomes silent.

  • Top 16 Reindeer Mob Nicknames

    16. Rudolph “Bloody Nose” Valentino

    15. Dancer “On Your Grave” Zamboni

    14. Rudolph “Red Light District” Gambini

    13. Dancer “Crazy Legs” Baryshnikov

    12. Dancer “With the Fishes” Rigatoni

    11. Prancer “The Florist” DiFlamingo

    10. Prancer “Twinkle Toes” Balleria

    9. Comet “The Cleaner” Colombo

    8. Cupid “Kiss of Death” Donnitelli

    7. Blitzen “The Mad Bavarian” Schultz

    6. Donner “Teflon Donner” Gotti

    5. Rudolph “Rudy” Giuliani

    4. Donner “Party” Cannibali

    3. Dancer “Tiny” Eltonjohni

    2. Vixen “The Big Antler” De Luca

    And the number one Reindeer Mob nickname…

    1. Donner “Chimney Plugger” Terrazzo

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  • The impotent couldn’t come

    We recently opened a shelter for the poor, needy, and the impotent.

    The poor and needy showed up, but the impotent couldn’t come.

  • CB Lingo 201

    I would think the hardest part of truck-driving school is CB Lingo 201. You know, the second year, where everything you say in class has to be in CB.