Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Worse Off Than I Am

    A judge is asking a husband why he wants a divorce.

    Husband, “Your honor, every so often, my wife makes me peel garlic, chop onions, and wash dishes.”

    Judge, “What’s the problem? Warm the garlic first, it peels easily. Put the onion in the fridge, no tears while chopping… I do this at least once a week. Soak the dishes for 10 minutes, they’ll clean themselves. I do this almost every day.”

    Husband, “Got it! Your honor, I withdraw my case.”

    Judge, “Why are you withdrawing?”

    Husband, “Cause apparently, you’re worse off than I am.”

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  • The Results Are Staggering

    Scientists have finished a study on how alcohol can affect a person’s ability to walk.

    The results are staggering.

  • D-d-d-david

    A guy gets pulled over for speeding, and the officer says, “What’s your name, son?”

    He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

    The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

    The guy replies, “No, sir. My dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an idiot.”

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  • The Moyel and the Leather Worker

    The Moyel and the Leather Worker

    In the Jewish religion, the ritual specialist who conducts circumcision (“bris”) is called a “moyel”.

    So this one moyel works for decades, and saves all his clippings. When he retires, he takes them to a leather worker, and asks if he can make something out of them.

    A couple of weeks later, the leather worker calls the moyel in and lays a wallet on the counter.

    “What? Sixty years in the trenches and all I get is a wallet?” cries the moyel.

    “Rub it. It turns into a suitcase.”

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  • Bringing Her Back

    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

    Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he sped down I-95, pressing the pedal even more.

    Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper — blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out and walked up to the Corvette. He glanced at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

    The old gentleman paused, then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

    “Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

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  • At 49 a Drink

    A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.

    The bartender is stunned, but he shrugs and makes the drink.

    When he brings it over, the gorilla hands him a $50 bill.

    Now the bartender is really amazed. A gorilla walked in, ordered a martini, and actually paid for it.

    At the register he pauses and thinks, let’s see if the gorilla notices anything.

    So he comes back and gives the gorilla $1 in change.

    The gorilla just sits there quietly sipping his martini.

    After a few minutes the bartender can’t take it anymore and says, “You know… we don’t get many gorillas in here.”

    The gorilla takes another sip and replies, “At $49 a drink, I’m surprised you get any customers at all.”

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  • Now She Wants to Break Three

    My daughter broke two of my Freddie Mercury records.

    Now she wants to break three.

  • Put On Two Coats

    It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girlfriend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas.

    Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches.

    When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka.

    I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did.

    It said… “For best results, put on two coats.”

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  • A Fifteen Please

    A redhead walks into a bar. She walks up to the bartender and says, “I’d like a RW, please.”

    The bartender says, “What’s a RW, might I inquire?”

    “Red Wine, Duh!”

    The bartender serves her her drink. A brunette walks into the bar. “I’d like a WW, please.”

    “A WW is… what?”

    “White Wine, Duh!”

    Bartender serves her drink. In walks a blonde. “I’d like a Fifteen, please.”

    “What the HELL is a fifteen?”

    “Seven and seven, Duh!”

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  • Ive Got Windows

    A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:

    “I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen”.

    The surprised salesman replies: “But madam, computers do not have curtains…”.

    And the blonde said: “Helloooo…. I’ve got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

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