Sensitivity: Clean

I may have to reverse the polarity on my car. It’s supposed to be a total chick magnet, but so far it only seems to repel them.

Apparently there’s this website, WheresGeorge.com, that will enable you enter a serial number to track where your dollar bills have been. That’s gotta be a lot more accurate than my tasting method.

They say you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I say: Don’t knock bullshit.

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine, orders a drink, punches a waitress, flashes the room *and* delivers a baby. And guess whose camera-phone battery died!

I don’t care what the judge said, taking that hooker off the streets and into my hotel room for an hour is community service in my book!

I wouldn’t mind being the last person on earth. At least I could get that “sock puppet on the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower” fantasy out of my head once and for all.

Okay, so maybe I didn’t realize there was a difference between “exhibitors” and “exhibitionists,” but I sure made a boatload of money at the flea market.

I have a friend who’s into meth, but I’m still going to invite him to my Christmas party. Not only do I want to reach out to him, but I also feel like he’ll be easy to beat if we play Jenga.