I’m not a hairdresser, but a friend of mine asked me to do their hair like a Rastafarian.
I’m dreading it.
Sensitivity: Clean
Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
Show Him Your Badge and Warrant
A DEA officer had a tip that a farmer was growing weed and showed up to inform the farmer that he would be searching the farm for illegal marijuana plants.
The farmer said: “I do not consent to a search without a warrant.”
At which point the DEA pulled out his badge and a signed warrant and said: “THIS gives me the authoritah to search wherever I want.”
So the farmer said: “Okay, but stay out of that field,” pointing to a fenced-in field.
The DEA says: “Then that is where I will start.”
The farmer just shrugged and went back to work.
A few minutes later the DEA agent was screaming and the farmer came to see the DEA agent running and diving, trying to avoid being gored by the farmer’s large bull. The DEA agent was yelling for help. The farmer shouted: “SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE AND WARRANT!!!”
-
Lying
Coming to the end of an initial assessment, the psychiatrist asks his new patient, “Okay, habits. Do you drink?”
The patient says, “No.”
“Smoke?”
“No.”
“Do drugs?”
“No.”
“Cheat on your wife?”
“Never.”
“Amazing,” says the shrink. “Any bad habits at all?”
And the patient says, “Lying.”
-
I Became Transparent
When my son came out as a girl, I told her she could no longer see me.
It’s cause I became transparent.
-
Rules for a Northerner Moving South
Rules for a Northerner Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’alls is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, “Y’all ain’t from around here, are ya?”
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol’,” as in “Big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy.” Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, all y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, “All Glory, Laud and Honor.” You will also hear expressions such as, “Laud, have mercy,” “Good Laud” and “Laudy, Laudy, Laudy!”
27. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
28. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
