Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Moyel and the Leather Worker

    The Moyel and the Leather Worker

    In the Jewish religion, the ritual specialist who conducts circumcision (“bris”) is called a “moyel”.

    So this one moyel works for decades, and saves all his clippings. When he retires, he takes them to a leather worker, and asks if he can make something out of them.

    A couple of weeks later, the leather worker calls the moyel in and lays a wallet on the counter.

    “What? Sixty years in the trenches and all I get is a wallet?” cries the moyel.

    “Rub it. It turns into a suitcase.”

  • Bringing Her Back

    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

    Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he sped down I-95, pressing the pedal even more.

    Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper — blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out and walked up to the Corvette. He glanced at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

    The old gentleman paused, then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

    “Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

  • At 49 a Drink

    A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.

    The bartender is stunned, but he shrugs and makes the drink.

    When he brings it over, the gorilla hands him a $50 bill.

    Now the bartender is really amazed. A gorilla walked in, ordered a martini, and actually paid for it.

    At the register he pauses and thinks, let’s see if the gorilla notices anything.

    So he comes back and gives the gorilla $1 in change.

    The gorilla just sits there quietly sipping his martini.

    After a few minutes the bartender can’t take it anymore and says, “You know… we don’t get many gorillas in here.”

    The gorilla takes another sip and replies, “At $49 a drink, I’m surprised you get any customers at all.”

  • Now She Wants to Break Three

    My daughter broke two of my Freddie Mercury records.

    Now she wants to break three.

  • Put On Two Coats

    It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girlfriend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas.

    Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches.

    When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka.

    I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did.

    It said… “For best results, put on two coats.”

  • A Fifteen Please

    A redhead walks into a bar. She walks up to the bartender and says, “I’d like a RW, please.”

    The bartender says, “What’s a RW, might I inquire?”

    “Red Wine, Duh!”

    The bartender serves her her drink. A brunette walks into the bar. “I’d like a WW, please.”

    “A WW is… what?”

    “White Wine, Duh!”

    Bartender serves her drink. In walks a blonde. “I’d like a Fifteen, please.”

    “What the HELL is a fifteen?”

    “Seven and seven, Duh!”

  • Ive Got Windows

    A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:

    “I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen”.

    The surprised salesman replies: “But madam, computers do not have curtains…”.

    And the blonde said: “Helloooo…. I’ve got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  • Push Up Bottom

    A blonde woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.

    The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant and never have. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis and would like some more.

    The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don’t stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, “One moment please, I will get the pharmacist.”

    The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, “Can I help you miss?”

    “I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please,” says the blonde.

    “I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

    “But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

    “Do you have the container it comes in?”

    “Yes!” Said the blonde, “I will go and get it.”

    She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to the her “This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant.”

    The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”

  • The Seagull

    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, “Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I’ll go get some toilet paper.”

    After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, “What’s so funny?”

    The blonde says, “Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!”

  • Im Winning

    In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

    She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

    Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

    The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: “Can’t you see I’m winning??”