Sensitivity: Clean

I don’t think it would be that great to be a snowman, staring out at a world blanketed in snow. It must be like you standing in your front yard, seeing your own neighborhood covered in six inches of freshly fallen human viscera.

I felt cranky this morning because I woke up on the wrong side of the driveway again.

I wouldn’t take a million dollars from Ed McMahon if he showed up on my doorstep. My standards may be low, but I draw the line at accepting money from corpses.

I just sneezed and got little droplets all over my computer monitor, and they act like little magnifying lenses so they’re all twinkling different colors. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

It isn’t a midlife crisis if it kills you instantly.

Mark my words: One day the South will rise again! Then it’ll take a leak, finish off that can of Mountain Dew and go back to bed.

Give me liberty or give me a grilled cheese sandwich! But go ahead and make it with two heels and over-char it a little on one side, so as not to make me look like a complete wuss.

If I ever start a religion, it’s definitely going to require human sacrifice — beginning with the next Jehovah’s Witness that comes to my door.