Sensitivity: Clean

Yes, global warming is real. What they never mention, however, is that heat today is cooler.

When my parents get too old to take care of themselves, screw the nursing home — I’m going to plant 2 kilos of coke on them and call the DEA. That should get them 20 years of free care.

In hindsight, when I handed the teller that note demanding $500, I probably should have written my account number on the deposit slip.

There are things you can control and things you can’t. For example, you CAN’T control how someone else decides to treat you, but you CAN control whether you’re wearing spike heels or steel-toed boots when you kick them in the face.

With my luck, if I ever did catch lightning in a bottle, with my luck, the Guatemalan sweatshop where I mass produced it would forget to put “Not for children under 12” on the label and I’d have a massive recall on my hands.

I was kinda hoping this whole “Hunger Games” thing involved some stomach-stapling candidates and a “first- one-to-explode-eats-free” contest at a Golden Corral.

Rule #1 of Jedi Square Dancing: Do-si-do or do-si-do not. There is no do-si-try.

They say that slow and steady wins the race. Well, “they” apparently don’t run the US Olympic Committee, I can tell you that.

I’m writing an erotic story of a successful but lonely Wal-Mart manager who introduces a young, barely tattooed cashier to his version of bondage, most of which involves duct tape. I’m calling it “Fifty Shades of Camo.”