Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The British Engineers

    Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard four-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

    The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

    British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

    When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

    NASA responded with a one-line memo:

    “Defrost the chicken.”

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  • Joe And Ed At Work

    I was just starting work when two of my coworkers, Joe and Ed, walked in and were refusing to even look at each other. I asked Joe what the issue was, and he asked me if I’d wanna play golf with someone who cheats. I said no.

    Then Joe asked me if I’d wanna play golf with someone who throws their ball out of the sand trap and claims they hit it. I said no again.

    Joe asked me if I’d wanna play golf with someone who changes their scores when no one was looking. I got mad and said, “No! I wouldn’t at all.”

    Then Joe looked meek and said, “Yeah, well, neither does Ed…”

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  • The Impossible Golf Ball

    A friend of mine came up to me at the golf course with a ball that he said was impossible to lose. I asked him to explain.

    “Well,” explained my friend, “it has a chip in it, so if you lose it, you can find it with your phone. If you hit it in the water, it floats up to the surface and can get to the side using a tiny engine inside the ball.”

    “Wow, that’s amazing! Where did you get this ball?”

    “Found it!”

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  • Shooting a Bow and Arrow While Wearing a Blindfold

    Have you ever tried shooting a bow and arrow while wearing a blindfold?

    You don’t know what you’re missing.

  • What Jedi Use to Open PDF Files

    What do Jedi use to open PDF files?

    Adobe Wan Kenobi.

  • I’ve Invented a New Game Called Silent Tennis

    I’ve invented a new game called Silent Tennis.

    It’s like regular tennis, but without the racquet.

  • I Wrote a Book on How to Fall Down the Stairs

    I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs.

    It’s a step-by-step guide.

  • My Friend Is Making a Documentary Series

    My friend is making a documentary series on how to fly an airplane.

    He’s currently filming the pilot.

  • Green Is My Favorite Color

    Green is my favorite color.

    I love it more than blue and yellow combined.

  • A Visit To Grandpa

    John went to visit his 90-year-old grandpa, who lived alone way out in the country.

    The first morning, Grandpa prepared a big breakfast of bacon and eggs. As John sat down to eat, he noticed a strange film on his plate.

    “Grandpa,” he asked cautiously, “are these plates clean?”

    Grandpa looked at him and replied, “They’s as clean as cold water can get ’em.”

    John decided not to argue and ate his breakfast.

    At lunchtime, Grandpa made hamburgers. As John sat down, he noticed what appeared to be a few dried bits of egg stuck to his plate.

    “Grandpa,” he said, “are you sure these plates are clean?”

    Without looking up, Grandpa replied, “Like I said at breakfast, them dishes are as clean as cold water can get ’em.”

    John reluctantly ate his hamburger.

    That evening, Grandpa served dinner. John examined his plate very carefully and noticed what looked suspiciously like a smear of mustard left over from his lunch.

    “Grandpa,” John said, trying to remain polite, “are you sure the dishes are clean?”

    Grandpa looked up, a little annoyed.

    “Consarn it! Like I told you, they’s as clean as cold water can get ’em!”

    John figured there was no point arguing with Grandpa and finished his meal.

    The next morning, John got up early to head home. He thanked Grandpa for the visit, grabbed his bags, and headed for the front door. But as he reached the doorway, Grandpa’s dog suddenly started growling and blocking his way. John stepped back and called out, “Grandpa! Your dog won’t let me get by!”

    Grandpa looked over at the dog and said, “Cold Water, go lie down!”

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