Did you hear a secret colony of gophers was discovered recently?
They say there was a mole among them.
Sensitivity: Clean
Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Secret Gopher Colony Had a Mole
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Make Up Your Mind
I recently had someone tell me to stop being an idiot and to be myself.
I told them to make up their mind.
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I just paid $35 for a 2 mile taxi ride to the laundromat. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners.
I just paid $35 for a 2 mile taxi ride to the laundromat. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners.
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Silver-Haired Lady and the Jigsaw Puzzle
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What’s it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
“According to the picture on the box,” she replies, “it’s a rooster.”
The neighbor decides to help. He comes over, and she shows him the puzzle pieces spread all over the kitchen table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then back at the table.
Finally, he smiles, gently takes her hand, and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re never going to turn these pieces into a rooster.”
“Second, let’s make ourselves a nice cup of tea…”
“…and then we’ll put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
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Garbage Can, Not Garbage Cannot
JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE TRASH DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T DO GREAT THINGS.
IT IS CALLED GARBAGE CAN, NOT GARBAGE CANNOT.
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Surely I don’t need an umbrella today
I asked my iPhone, “Surely I don’t need an umbrella today?”.
Siri replied “Yes, and don’t call me Shirley”.Apparently I had left Airplane mode on.
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Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bedsheet. More on this story as it unfolds.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bedsheet. More on this story as it unfolds.
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Lousy at Golf
This guy in his 50s goes to the doctor.
“What’s your daily activity level like?” the doctor asks.
“Why do you ask?”
“Well, a guy your age, probably not eating all that healthy, probably not getting that much exercise…”
The guy shrugs. “Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake and outran a wild dog in the heavy brush.”
“Well, that sounds pretty good,” the doctor comments.
“That’s nothing,” the guy says. “The day before, I marched up and down several hills and outran a couple of bears.”
“That sounds really impressive.”
“And last weekend, I crawled out of quicksand, stood in a patch of poison ivy, and knocked down a small tree.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “it sounds like you’re one hell of an outdoorsman!”
“Nah,” the guy replies, “I’m just real lousy at golf.”
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Lawyers Exchanging Sandwiches at a Restaurant
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order coffee, and pull out their sandwiches.
An annoyed waitress rushes over and says, “Excuse me, you can’t eat your own food here!”
The lawyers look at her, then at each other, and exchange sandwiches.
