Sensitivity: Dark

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Gabriels Trumpet

    When it was finally her turn to take care of the elderly Father Sands, the novice Jenny was taken aside by the Mother Superior.

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    “I must warn you,” the older woman said, “that although Father Sands is old in body, he is young at heart. It is important that when you give him his bath, you never look below his waist. Otherwise, he will become very excited.”

    With that, Jenny went to look after the aged priest. Later, sobbing, Jenny sought out the Mother Superior.

    “Forgive me,” the novice said, “but when I was bathing Father Sands, I — I looked down. As you said, he became aroused.”

    “And what happened?”

    “I — I lay with him. He said that I would surely go to heaven if I let him put his key to the gates of St. Peter in my lock.”

    “Why, that old bastard!” the Mother Superior fumed. “For years he’s been telling me it’s Gabriel’s trumpet!”

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  • The Tides Coming In

    A man with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach.

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    A beautiful woman walks by. She sees him, takes pity on him and says, “You poor thing. Have you ever been held by a woman?”

    “No,” he says sadly.

    She kneels down and embraces him. Then she gets up and walks on.

    Some time later, another even more beautiful woman walks by. She sees him, takes pity on him and says, “You poor man. Have you ever been kissed?”

    “No,” he sighs.

    She leans down and kisses him. Then she walks on.

    A while after that, a third woman appears. She’s even more beautiful than the first two. She sees the limbless man lying there, looks at him and says, “Have you ever been fucked?”

    “No, I haven’t.”

    “Well you are now, the tide’s coming in!”

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  • Urine Test Results

    A man comes to the hospital and says his elbow hurts.

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    The doctor tells him to take a urine test.

    The man gets annoyed: “Doctor, why a urine test? My elbow hurts!”

    The doctor replies: “You came here for treatment. If I said take the test, then take the test and stop arguing.”

    The man goes home furious. Out of spite, he mixes together urine from his wife, daughter, mother-in-law, and cat, adds some water from the heating radiator, and even pours in some brake fluid from his car. Then he takes the whole mixture to the lab.

    The next day he comes back for the results.

    The doctor says: “Well, your cat is perfectly healthy, so no need to worry about her. Your heating system is fine too — no repairs needed anytime soon.

    Your mother-in-law is developing a serious illness. She’ll need surgery, expensive and only available abroad.

    Don’t worry about your daughter — her young, strong body, despite being thirteen, has successfully formed a fetus. It’s twins.

    As for your wife — she’s had syphilis for about six months, and because of that she’s not sleeping with you. So you go jerk off in the bathroom, it’s cramped in there, you keep banging your elbow against the wall — that’s why your elbow hurts.”

    The man stands up, completely stunned, and walks away.

    The doctor shouts after him:

    “And change your brake fluid while you’re at it — your left rear brake cylinder is leaking too!”

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  • Cindy Aint Even Reached Puberty Yet

    A father came home and found his 8-year-old boy sitting on the front porch smoking a cigar. He marched up to the lad, removed the cigar from the boy’s mouth and said, “I suppose you’re going to tell me that you’re sitting there smoking that cigar because you just became a father.”

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    “Hell no, Dad,” said the boy, “Cindy ain’t even reached puberty yet.”

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  • It Fall Off by Itself

    A guy develops a really bad infection on his penis. Like, seriously bad. He goes to multiple doctors, even the expensive ones, and they all tell him the same thing: it has to be amputated or the infection could spread and kill him. Eventually, he gives up and accepts his fate. Surgery is scheduled.

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    Then his cousin hears about it and says, “Wait, before you do that, you should try this famous oriental doctor. People swear by him.” Out of desperation, the guy goes.

    He explains, “Doc, I’ve seen a lot of western doctors already. They all say it needs to be cut off before the infection spreads.”

    The doctor nods, tells him to take off his pants, and starts examining everything very carefully. Feeling, pressing, lifting… full inspection.

    After a while, the doctor smiles and says, “Good news!”

    The guy lights up. “Really? So you don’t need to cut it off?”

    The doctor waves his hand and says, “No, no. We are not like western doctors. They always cut, cut, cut… then charge, charge, charge!”

    The guy is relieved. “So I’m safe?”

    The doctor nods confidently. “Yes. No need to cut.”

    The guy almost cries from happiness. “Thank you, Doc! So what’s the treatment?”

    The doctor shrugs and says, “We wait two weeks.”

    The guy pauses. “And then?”

    The doctor smiles. “It fall off by itself.”

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  • Reuse Christmas Cards

    Reuse Christmas Cards

  • Jesus Is Coming

    Jesus Is Coming

  • You Can Unscrew a Lightbulb

    What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

    You can unscrew a lightbulb.

  • Officer Down

    Officer Down

  • Stephen Hawking Before Wheelchair

    Stephen Hawking Before Wheelchair