Sensitivity: Dark

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Calling the Police After All

    An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, “Please don’t call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don’t, I’ll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!”

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    The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.

    “I’m sorry, young lady…but it’s no use,” he gasped. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to call the police after all.”

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  • The Handy Guide to Self-Love Benefits

    Masturbation …a handy subject with many advantages.

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    1. you don’t have to look your best

    2. you never have to say “I love you”…promise to mow the lawn… buy flowers/dinner…lie about the size of your hand’s arse etc.

    3. if you use your other hand it feels like someone else

    4. you can use both hands and have and orgy

    5. you don’t have to promise to call in the morning

    6. and as long as you’re careful you’ll never end up with the wet spot.

    7. you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way

    8. you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc)

    9. you don’t need to make an appointment in advance

    10. it doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.

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  • Except a Crippling Illness

    Whatever doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger. Except a crippling illness that leaves me comatose and on a respirator, that is.

  • John’s Compliment Comes Back to Haunt Him

    John receives a phone call.

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    “Hello,” he answers.

    The voice on the other end says, “This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.”

    John: “Hmm… Susan? About 3 months ago?”

    Susan: “Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.”

    John: “Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?”

    Susan: “I’m pregnant and I’m going to kill myself.”

    John: “Say, you ARE a good sport.”

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  • This Little Piggy

    You’d think that at some point the little piggy that went to market might swing by the pharmacy and pick up something for the one with the uncontrollable bladder.

  • The Man Who Couldn’t Find Her Head

    Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “you know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”

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    The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

    “Today I hiked onto a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watch deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

    The second friend says. “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I cam across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”

    “Wow,” the first guy says, “did you get a blow job?”

    “No,” says the second friend. “I couldn’t find her head.”

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  • Domestic Dispute

    Domestic Dispute

    “Sir, did you make a 911 call concerning a domestic dispute?”

  • You Can’t Milk a Cow for 2,000 Years

    Draft only — do not auto-publish.

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    Content note: religion-targeted insult humor. Review before publishing.

    What’s the difference between a cow and a crucifixion?

    You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.

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  • Two Gay Men Have A Happy Baby

    Two gay gentlemen decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

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    Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays’ delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. “Isn’t it wonderful?”

    Brad exclaims. “All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.”

    The nurse says, “He’s happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.”

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  • That Big Ape Hasn’t Called

    Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn’t take their eyes off of it.

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    One of the men just couldn’t bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop. When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage.

    An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, “Are you hurt?”

    “AM I HURT?” he shouted, “Wouldn’t you be? That big ape hasn’t called, he hasn’t written…”

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