Sensitivity: Dark

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Deaf Kid Orgy

    Deaf Kid Orgy

    Me and the boys: *putting up random hand gang signs in class*

    The deaf kid wondering why we’re planning an orgy with the class pet:

  • Prostate Exam

    Prostate Exam

    Dr: you need to stop masturbating

    Me: for how long?

    Dr: at least until I finish your prostate exam

    Me: fair enough

  • Pooh Pulled Pork Sandwich

    Pooh Pulled Pork Sandwich

    As much as Pooh missed Piglet, he really did enjoy that pulled pork sandwich.

  • The Bloody Canoe

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are exploring the deepest part of the Amazon jungle. One day, a savage tribe of cannibals captures the trio and they’re brought before the chieftain.

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    “Trespassing is punishable by death for white devils,” the chieftain says in passable English. “But your skin will make some fine canoes for us. However, you can all have one request fulfilled to the best of our ability to do so!”

    The Englishman nods, accepting his fate. “I don’t suppose you have a telephone out here so I can call home?”

    “Yes, we have taken many of these things from interlopers,” says the chieftain.

    Surprised, he dials his wife. “Hello my dear, I’m afraid I won’t be coming home. Terribly sorry. My love to the kids.”

    He closes his eyes, is killed, and they begin taking his skin and meat for meals.

    The Scotsman gulps. “I really could do with a drink — whiskey if you have any, so I won’t feel it.”

    The chieftain snaps his fingers and a tribesman brings out a crate of whiskey. The Scotsman immediately begins getting drunk, downing bottle after bottle until he falls asleep, and he too is killed. They make preparations to turn him into meals and a canoe with his skin.

    The Irishman says, “Umm… do you have a fork?”

    Puzzled, the chief commands a tribesman to give him a fork, and before anybody could react, the Irishman begins stabbing himself all over his body.

    “You’re not turning me into a bloody canoe, ye bastards!”

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  • I Just Got That Puppy

    I Just Got That Puppy

    When your dad shows you how to properly kill and skin an animal.

    I just got that puppy…

  • 9 Out of 10 Doctors

    Remember: 9 out of 10 doctors recommend slamming your head repeatedly in a car door as a healthy alternative to watching presidential debates.

  • Best Costume

    A sure-fire way to win “best costume” at the next Halloween party is to have somebody embed a real chainsaw blade into your shoulder.

    Timing is crucial, though — you don’t want to pass out from loss of blood after 10 minutes, long before the costume judging begins, like I did.

  • The Top 14 October Surprises

    14. A final, no-holds-barred presidential debate is hastily scheduled by the producers of “American Gladiators.”

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    13. Supreme Court opens their new session by replacing “yea” or “nay” with “left” or “right.”

    12. Donald Trump provides incontrovertible proof that he’s not a Russian spy by revealing that he’s a Chinese spy.

    11. Bill already advertising for interns on Craigslist.

    10. The pumpkin spice craze is a secret chemical warfare plot concocted by Donald Trump to turn the entire world orange.

    9. Ronald Reagan rises from the dead, just to show that he can.

    8. Hillary’s server full of e-mails advocating “grabbing Bernie by the droopy balls.”

    7. Oddly enough, Disney’s Hall of Presidents attraction has had a Hillary figure ready to go since 1996.

    6. Hearing a 9-year-old tell a 7-year-old his costume is culturally insensitive.

    5. The press rebrands the Affordable Care Act as the Holy-Cow-Talk-About-Sticker-Shock Care Act.

    4. Scientists discover that Trump’s hair is a living creature that controls the empty puppet underneath.

    3. Anthony Weiner: the dick that keeps on giving.

    2. E-mail discovered on Anthony Weiner’s computer reveals that his birth name was Anthony Vajayjay.

    1. Not a soul has come from the future to put a stop to this madness.

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  • Turning Point USA Irony

    Turning Point USA Irony

    Turning Point USA was founded in 2012 by Charlie Kirk and Bill Montgomery.

    Two of their major policy pushes were a more prominent gun culture and zero COVID restrictions.

    Bill Montgomery died to the COVID virus.

    Charlie Kirk died to gun violence.

  • The Pumpkin Patch

    Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

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    The next day, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

    The suspect explained he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,” he stated.

    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, y’know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

    In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Deputy Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.”

    Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’”

    He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Shit… is it midnight already?”

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