Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Escort and the Stripper

    Son: “So, Dad… why the heck did Mom kick you out of the house?”

    Dad: “Well, Son, it’s crazy, she overheard me on the phone with Uncle Mike talking about running some errands.”

    Son: “What errands?”

    Dad: “Mike was going to pick up a used car, and I was heading to the store for a tool to strip paint off some furniture.”

    Son: “What’s wrong with that? That doesn’t sound so bad…”

    Dad: “Yeah… I know, but all your mum heard was, ‘You go get the Escort, I’ll grab the stripper, and we’ll meet at your place.’”

  • Overheard at a Nursing Home

    Overheard at a nursing home:

    Old woman: “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”

    Old man: “An elephant!”

    Old woman: “Close enough!”

  • The Helpful Teacher at the Racetrack

    Two elementary school teachers took their students to a racetrack.

    During a bathroom break, one of the teachers took the boys to the restroom. Outside, one of the boys yelled, “Ma’am, we can’t reach the urinals!”

    Out of options, the teacher went inside and lifted the boys up one by one. When she picked up the fourth boy, she was shocked to see he was incredibly well-endowed for an elementary schooler.

    Trying to act natural, she smiled and guessed, “Wow, you must be in third grade, right?”

    The guy looked confused and replied, “No, ma’am… I’m the jockey riding the favorite in the next race. Thanks for the lift, though.”

  • Two Irishmen at Sea

    Two Irishmen lost at sea — they’d been out there for quite a few days, dehydrated and parched from the sun. They’re just watching the waves, trying to spot land, when one of them looks down and a bottle floats by.

    Without even thinking, he grabs the bottle and wipes the label to see what it is, and all of a sudden a genie pops out and says, “You’ve released me from my prison, so I’m going to grant you just one wish — no more, no less!”

    So the Irishman, without thinking it through, shouts, “Turn the entire ocean into a big vat of Guinness!”

    The genie says, “Your wish is my command,” and turns the entire ocean into Guinness.

    The second Irishman screams at the top of his lungs, “NO YOU IDIOT!!!! Now we have to piss in the boat!”

  • The Wedding Night Request

    A Chinese immigrant couple just got married.

    On their wedding night, the groom decided to ask his bride what she wanted to do first.

    She thought about it, then excitedly said, “69! I wanna try 69!”

    Groom: “You want chicken with broccoli?”

  • The Doctor Visit

    Patient: “Doc, my bum hurts…”

    Doctor: “Where specifically does it hurt?”

    Patient: “Right around the entrance.”

    Doctor: “Yeah well that’s the exit. As long as you think it’s an entrance, it’ll continue to hurt.”

  • Little Johnny Uses a Big Word

    Little Johnny was asked to use the word “obituary” in a sentence by the teacher…

    So Johnny thought for a second and then said, “Oh bitch, you worry about me finishing my homework too much!”

  • What Would Tiger Do

    A couple were on their honeymoon.

    Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:

    “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

    The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

    The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one other guy.”

    “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

    “Tiger Woods.”

    “Tiger Woods, the golfer?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

    The husband and wife then make passionate love.

    When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

    “What are you doing?” says the wife.

    The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”

    “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

    “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

    “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

    When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

    “What are you doing?” she says.

    The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food.”

    “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

    “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

    “He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”

    The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

    When they finish he’s tired and beat.

    He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

    The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

    “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole.”

  • Confessions After the Ceremony

    A man and a woman meet in a bar, fall madly in love, and decide to get married a week later.

    After the ceremony, the man looks to his new bride, and says, “I have a confession to make. I am completely obsessed with golf. I eat, sleep, and breathe the game, it’s my obsession, and I hope you won’t hate me for it.”

    The woman looks at her new husband and says, “Honey, I could never hate you. But, I also have a confession to make. I’m a hooker, and hope you won’t hate me for it, either.”

    The man gets a rather tortured look on his face, rubs his chin, and after a few long moments says, “Ok, well, show me your stance.”