DOCTOR: ur gonna feel a small pinch
ME: ouch
DOCTOR: alright I’m done pinching u, tell me why ur here
Sensitivity: PG-13
Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Books on Turtles
[Walks into bookstore]
Me: Do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: Hard back?
Me: Yeah, with little heads.
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Can I Come Over
I was in Walmart using the restroom when, just as I closed the stall door, a voice from the next stall said:
“Hey! How’s it going over there?”
Embarrassed, I replied, “Not bad, thanks.”
The voice asked, “Cool. What are you up to?”
I said, “Umm… just trying to take care of a little private business over here.”
Then the voice asked, “Alright. Can I come over?”
Shocked, I replied, “Excuse me?!”
Then I heard, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. Some idiot in the next stall keeps answering all my questions.”
I stayed in the stall until he left.
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The Unfaithful Wife
A man goes to the therapist and says…
“Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up a man.
She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can’t take this anymore!”
The therapist says:
“Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly, where’s Larry’s bar?”
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The Butcher’s Accident
Did you hear about the butcher who fell backwards into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
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Talking Dog For Sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, “OK… so, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a bullshitter. He’s never been out of the yard.”
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You’re Much Bigger Than That
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
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Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper
I couldn’t sleep last night because I realized Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have the same middle names.
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Signing My Dogs Up for Welfare
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.” So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first checks Friday.
Damn, this is a great country.
