Questionable humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A guy comes home completely drunk, and his wife is furious. “How much have you had to drink this time?” she says.
“Nothing,” mumbles the guy.
“Listen to me, you liar!” she shouts. “It’s either me or the goddamn bar. Which is it?”
And the guy says, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
A businessman was both nervous and excited about an upcoming trip to Japan for a series of meetings at the home office. While there he would be playing golf with the president of the company.
The man was so nervous the night before leaving his Japanese wife… did what wives often do to calm their husband’s nerves before a big trip… Let’s just say that in the throes of marital passion her English often escaped her…
That night she said, “Ana o machigaeta” in a particularly intense voice. Her husband thought, “Whoa! It must be going really well!”
The next day he boarded his plane. The day after he was on the golf course with the company’s president. They got to about the 9th hole. The president hit a hole in one! The man, while trying to learn Japanese, wasn’t that confident yet… So remembering what his wife said the other night, he blurted out, “Ana o machigaeta!”
The president turning to look at him, replied, “What you mean ‘wrong hole?’”
A dad bought a lie-detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decided to test it out at dinner.
Dad asked his son, “What did you do this afternoon?”
The son replied, “I did my homework.”
SLAP!
“Okay, okay,” the son said. “I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asked, “What movie?”
“Toy Story.”
SLAP!
“Alright, alright,” the son admitted. “We were watching adult movies.”
Dad snapped, “What?! At your age, I didn’t even know what those were!”
SLAP!
Mom burst out laughing and said, “Well, he certainly is your son!”
SLAP!
The robot is now for sale.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman, holding his drink tight, looked at the attendant and said, “Can I have one of that too.”
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
“Doctor,” the man said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”
The man seemed a bit ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“Well, there you have it!” the doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”
The young man was obsessed by the beautiful secretary in his office. He just had to kiss her and touch her body and…
One day, he plucked up the courage to speak to her. “I think you’re so gorgeous, if I paid you $250, would you come into the storeroom with me so that I can kiss you and rub my hands up and down your body?”
Now the girl liked money a lot, so she agreed and they disappeared into the storeroom. For the next 10 minutes, he showered her with kisses, unbuttoning her blouse and ravishing her breasts, but all the time, he kept murmuring, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”
Eventually, she asked, “Why do you keep saying ‘I don’t know’?”
“Well, I don’t know how I’m going to pay you.”
When Trump was still infesting the White House the first time around, he and Mike Pence were having breakfast.
The waitress asked Pence what he wanted and he replied, “I’d like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.”
“And what can I get for you, Mr. President?” asked the waitress.
Trump replied with his trademark lecherous leer, “How about a quickie this morning?”
“Mr. President!” the waitress exclaimed. “How rude!” And she stormed away.
Pence leaned over to Trump and whispered, “Mr. President, it’s pronounced quiche.”
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read, “And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’”
The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?”
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly, “I think the man would have said, ‘Well, fuck me! A talking pig!’”
A couple went to an agricultural show on a fine Sunday afternoon and were watching the bull auction.
The auctioneer announced, “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year.”
The wife nudged her husband and said, “See! That was more than once a week!”
The second bull was brought up and the auctioneer said, “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”
Again the wife nudged her husband. “Hey, that’s more than twice a week. What do you say to that?”
Her husband, getting really annoyed, still said nothing.
The third bull was brought up, and the auctioneer announced, “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”
The wife slapped her husband on the arm and shouted, “That’s once a day every day of the year! How about you?”
Her husband yelled back, “Sure, once a day! Great! But, ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!”
