Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Four beer company CEOs walk into a bar.
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The other three look at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”
The CEO of Guinness says, “Well, I figured if you three weren’t ordering beer, it would be rude if I did.”
A wife arrives home on her husband’s day off.
She asks, “Hey Hubby, have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?”
He says, “Erm… I dunno. Why?”
She gives him a sexy smile, shakes her cleavage and says, “I wonder what’s in there?”
Husband smiles, reaches in and pulls out a $20 crumpled note.
Wife asks, “Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?”
Husband says, “No I haven’t,” and starts to grin.
She gives him another sexy smile and pulls up her skirt.
He reaches into her tight panties and pulls out a crumpled fifty dollar bill and starts breathing heavily.
“Now,” she says, “have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”
“$50,000?! Where do I see that?” he asks, eyes wide open and heavily aroused.
She says, “Go look in the garage.”
Three guys living way up in the far north of Alaska were sitting in their local bar on a brutally cold winter night. They started arguing about whose cabin was the coldest.
“It’s freezing in mine,” said the first guy.
“You think that’s cold? Mine’s worse,” said the second.
“Nope,” said the third guy, “my place is the coldest in the whole state.”
To settle it, they decided to check each cabin.
They went to the first guy’s cabin. He said, “Watch this,” and tossed a cup of water into the air. It froze solid before it hit the ground.
“Pretty cold,” the others admitted.
“But mine’s still colder.”
Next, they went to the second cabin. He took a deep breath and exhaled. His breath froze into a little chunk and fell to the floor.
“Okay… that’s colder,” the first guy said.
But the third guy still claimed victory.
Finally, they reached the third guy’s cabin.
“Alright,” he said, “watch this.”
He went into the bedroom, pulled back the blankets, and took out a little frozen ball of ice. He set it on a spoon, held a match under it, and warmed it gently.
As soon as it thawed just enough, it went, “FFFAAAARRRRTTT!”
He won.
Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, Dave again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained Dave. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?’”
An old man was visiting a red light area.
There, a really hot prostitute asked him if he wanted her for an hour. The man replied, “I won’t be able to.”
“Why won’t you be able to? I’ll make you have the time of your life,” said the prostitute, and took him to her private room.
The prostitute stripped and asked the man to do the same. The man again replied, “I won’t be able to.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll do great,” said the prostitute as she stripped him.
Then they started having sex, and he was great. The prostitute orgasmed multiple times and they kept going even when the hour was over.
When the man got tired they finally stopped. Exhausted, the prostitute said, “That was the best sex I’ve ever had. Why were you saying ‘I won’t be able to’? You are so good.”
The man replied, “I meant I won’t be able to pay.”
A man is checking in at the reception desk in Hell.
“Welcome!” says the Devil. “You’re in for an amazing time! First up, did you like a drink when you were on Earth?”
“I certainly did!” says the man.
“Great!” says the Devil. “We kick off the week on Monday with a gigantic piss-up. Beer, whisky, rum, brandy, gin, tequila, you name it, we’ve got it! You can’t get a hangover, and you certainly can’t kill your liver. You’re already dead!”
“Fantastic!” says the man. “What about Tuesday?”
“Tuesday? Just wait until you get to Tuesday! Do you like women?”
“I sure do,” says the man.
“Then Tuesday’s going to be great too! You’ll be at it all day long with the most amazing women you ever saw. They’re into all kinds of everything you can imagine, no matter how kinky. And you can’t catch any STIs either, not even herpes never mind syphilis! You’re already dead!”
“Then it’s Wednesday,” continues the Devil. “Ever do drugs on Earth? No? Want to give it a go? We’ve got all kinds of substances down here, and you can do them all. You’ll never OD or rot your brain. How could you? You’re already dead!”
“Great!” says the man. “And Thursdays?”
“Thursdays,” says the Devil, “is when we roll out the tobacco. Bit of a chill day after all the partying. Cigars, cigarettes, cheroots, you name it. Every kind of leaf that the Earth ever had, and you can stick it in your pipe and smoke it. And you can’t get lung cancer or even a nasty cough! You’re already dead!”
“Now, Fridays,” says the Devil. “Were you into that gay stuff on Earth? A bit of back-door action just to change it up? Maybe gobble on a big thick rod or two?”
“Oh no,” says the man, “I never liked the sound of that at all.”
The Devil sighs. “Oh well. I guess Fridays aren’t going to be much fun for you, then.”
A man is tired of getting speeding tickets, so he buys a radar detector.
He’s speeding down the highway and suddenly the patrol car pulls up behind him and pulls him over. Detector never went off.
Pissed, he realizes maybe he should have bought a better one. He spends a bit more money and gets one that claims to have superior radar detection technology. It costs more, but if it saves him a ticket, it’s worth it.
Sure enough, within a week, he’s on the highway and the blue and red lights come on. Another ticket.
He can’t afford another point on his license, so he goes out and buys the most expensive, most highly rated radar detector he can find.
Within days the police show up behind him again. He’s furious. He pulls the detector out of the dash, gets out of the car and smashes it to bits on the ground, and is jumping up and down on the pieces. He sees the officer, standing and watching him.
“WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHY DON’T THESE POS DETECTORS WORK?”
Officer says, “Just wanted to let you know your left tail light is out.”
A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.
“How are you, grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet… and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
“What are you people doing?” he says. “I’m told you’re giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
A guy flies home a day early from a business trip. He takes a cab home, and then tells the cabby, “I think my wife is having an affair. I’ll give you an extra hundred bucks if you come in to be my witness.” The cabby agrees.
They sneak in, go up to the bedroom, and pull the covers off the bed. Sure enough, the guy’s wife is in bed banging another man.
The husband pulls out a gun and aims at the guy. Before he can shoot, the wife shouts, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the car I bought for you. He paid for our new boat. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”
As the husband stands there in shock, the cabby asks, “What are you gonna do?”
And the husband says, “I’m gonna cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.”
