Clever Jokes, Memes & Dark Humor

Pump number 5

I got robbed today and called the police.
The cop asked if I had a description of the assailant.
I said, “Yeah, it’s pump number 5.”

Why did the short-sighted vampire refuse to get glasses?
He just couldn’t see himself wearing them.

I compared how I walked down the street drunk vs sober.
The difference was staggering.

I had a fling with a lady janitor, she was always stoned so I had to break it off with her…
I’m just not into high maintenance women!

Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they’re always a little short.

Somebody threw a beer at Donald Trump today
Don’t worry, it was a draft. He was able to dodge it.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer.”
Then I saw her face.