My doctor said I could masturbate as much as I want…
That’s what he meant when he said I could have a stroke at any time, right?
Tone: deadpan
Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Failed Sex Ed
Bobby and Jack got their report cards from school and found they failed sex ed…
Bobby told Jack, “I’m so angry, I want to kick Ms. Williams in the nuts!”
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Not a Single Piece of Straight Wood
Happy Pride Month to Home Depot!
There isn’t a single piece of straight wood in that place.
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I Think It’s Nuts
The instructor in my self-defense class said that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
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Basketball Teams Could Score More Points Together
if both basketball teams just worked together they could score so many more points
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Spilled the Beans
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
They really didn’t like it when I spilled the beans.
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Keep Dreaming Buddy
Called my boss this morning, asked him if I could come in late today because I’m super tired. He said, “Keep dreaming buddy.”
Which was super nice and unexpected of him.
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Well I’m Here Now
A member of the KGB is walking along a production line in a factory and decides to ask a few questions of one of the workers.
KGB: “Comrade, if you had a drink of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”
The worker thinks a bit and replies, “Yes, I think so.”
KGB: “Comrade, if you had five drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”
The worker again considers this a bit and again replies, “Yes, I think so.”
KGB: “Comrade, if you had ten drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”
The worker answers quickly, “Well, I’m here now…”
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Absolute Game Changer
I’ve recently switched from eating venison to eating pheasant.
Absolute game changer.
