Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Five Loaves of Rye Bread

    Two old friends, Earl (80) and Frank (87), were sitting on a park bench one morning.

    Frank had just finished his morning walk around the park and didn’t even look winded.

    Earl was amazed and asked, “Frank, how do you have so much energy at your age?”

    Frank grinned and said, “Simple… I eat rye bread every single day.”

    “It keeps your energy up and gives you great stamina with the ladies.”

    On his way home, Earl stopped by the local bakery.

    The young woman behind the counter asked, “Can I help you, sir?”

    Earl said, “Yes ma’am… do you sell rye bread?”

    “Of course we do,” she replied. “How many loaves would you like?”

    Earl thought for a moment and said, “Better make it five loaves.”

    The baker looked surprised and said, “Five loaves? By the time you get to the third one, it’ll be hard.”

    Earl muttered under his breath, “Well I’ll be… I can’t believe everybody already knows about this.”

  • Nice Legs

    A man walked into a bar one day and saw an obese lady dancing on the table.

    He walked over to her and said, “Those are some nice legs.”

    She said to him, “You think so?”

    He said, “Yes, because most table legs would have collapsed by now.”

  • Results in Heaven

    A cab driver reaches the pearly gates.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

    Next in line is a preacher.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow, and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

    The preacher is shocked and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”

    St. Peter responds matter-of-factly:

    “This is Heaven, and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”

  • I’m Nearly at Costco Now

    Don’t you just hate it when you’re sitting on the toilet and realise there’s no paper left and you have to do that silly shuffle walk with your undies around your ankles to go and get some?

    Anyway, I’m nearly at Costco now…

  • It’s Up a Fairway

    A guy came to the doctor, asking if he could help get a golf ball out of his ass.

    “I don’t think I can. It’s up a fairway.”

  • I Just Looked Next to the Potatoes

    I was out to dinner and the waitress asked, “How did you find your steak, sir?”

    I told her, “I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.”