Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Great Man Terrible Lifeguard

    My dad used to tell me that you can’t save anyone; they have to save themselves.

    Great man. Terrible lifeguard.

  • Curiosity Now Attention

    Curiosity Now Attention

  • Make Sure Hes Really Dead

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses. The other calls 911, panicking: “I’m out hunting with my friend. He just fell over, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he’s not breathing. I think he’s dead! What can I do?”

    The operator calmly replies: “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.” The phone gets quiet at the 911 emergency services’ end for a few seconds, then a gunshot is heard.

    The caller returns: “OK, that’s taken care of — now what?”

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  • It Tastes Like Ass

    If you’ve never tried donkey meat, don’t bother.

    It tastes like ass.

  • The Same Place You Got That Train From

    My wife asked me to go see a psychologist about my anger issues.

    The doctor asked, “If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?”

    I replied, “I’d get in my helicopter and fly away!”

    The doctor asked, “Where did you get a helicopter?”

    I replied, “The same freaking place you got that train from, dipshit!”

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  • Went to the Wrong Room

    Bill, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. His wife asked him, “What happened to you?”

    “I’ve had a terrible day!” said Bill. “I had to go to a hotel where a guest had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had a huge erection — can’t even say it cause it’s embarrassing!”

    “Anyway, I went upstairs, and sure enough, there was this big man lying on the bed naked with a massive stiff one. So, I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half.”

    “I see,” said his wife. “That must have been terrible! But how did you get the black eye?”

    Bill replied, “Went to the wrong room!”

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  • Theyre Having a Yard Sale

    One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time, my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

    “Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”

    “Yes,” she said. “They’re retired prostitutes — they’re having a yard sale.”

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  • Maybe Wouldnt Be So Heavy Used Arms

    Maybe Wouldnt Be So Heavy Used Arms

  • D-d-d-david

    A guy gets pulled over for speeding, and the officer says, “What’s your name, son?”

    He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

    The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

    The guy replies, “No, sir. My dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an idiot.”

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  • Knock Yourself Out

    I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia.

    He said, “Sure, knock yourself out.”