One day when I was young I walked into the kitchen and saw my dad cutting up onions, and just everything came over me I broke down crying. Onions was such a good dog.
Tone: deadpan
Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Lying
Coming to the end of an initial assessment, the psychiatrist asks his new patient, “Okay, habits. Do you drink?”
The patient says, “No.”
“Smoke?”
“No.”
“Do drugs?”
“No.”
“Cheat on your wife?”
“Never.”
“Amazing,” says the shrink. “Any bad habits at all?”
And the patient says, “Lying.”
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At Least He Let Go of Ol Zeek
Here in Kentucky, you don’t see too many people hang-gliding. Ol’ Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge–into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin’ bout the good ol’ days when Maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
“Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.
Paw raises up, “Git my gun, Maw.”
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.
He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
“I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.
“Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of ol’ Zeek!”
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The Border Where They Combine
They say the atmosphere is 78 percent nitrogen and 22 percent oxygen. And when I become world-renowned for being the first person to discover the border where they combine, I’ll just sit back and laugh my ass off.
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Lifeguard Certification Test
I took my lifeguard certification test the other day, but failed miserably. It turns out you need to do more than just run up and down the beach in slow motion.
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Newton Invented Gravity
DID YOU KNOW?
Before Isaac Newton invented gravity in 1869, people could fly
