Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • May I Speak to Mr. Green

    A receptionist at a law office picks up the phone…

    “Can I speak to Mr. Green, please?” a little voice at the other end asks.

    “Oh, I’m sorry,” the receptionist says, “Mr. Green died last week.”

    “Thank you.” The little voice then hangs up.

    The next day, the phone rings again. The same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”

    The receptionist says, “I’m pretty sure you called yesterday, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead.”

    “Thank you.” The little voice responds again, then hangs up.

    The next day, the phone once again rings, and the same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”

    The receptionist is getting quite annoyed at this point. “Look, I know you’re the same person who called the last two days, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead! What about that don’t you understand!”

    The little voice responds, “Oh, I understand perfectly. I just love to hear you say it.”

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  • Cleaning Up With Change

    A hunter from the East goes hunting out West in Wyoming.

    He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure. At some point the hunter has to use a commode.

    He says to his guide, “Man, I really have to use the restroom. Where is it?”

    The guide cracks up laughing. “Are you serious? We’re in the middle of Wyoming and you’re asking where the restroom is?”

    “Well it’s kinda an emergency,” the hunter says.

    The guide says, “You just hang your ass over that log over there. We’re roughing it today, Sport!”

    So the hunter does his business but realizes there is no toilet paper, so he asks his guide, “What do I use to clean up with?”

    The guide says, “You got a dollar?”

    The hunter says, “I do.”

    The guide says, “Just use that!”

    The hunter comes back with poop all over himself. He was a disgusting mess.

    The guide says, “What the hell, man. What happened to you?”

    The hunter says, “You try cleaning yourself up with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!”

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  • He’s Deaf

    Doc: I have bad news and really bad news… the bad news is your baby is just an ear… a 6-pound 5-ounce baby ear. No arms or legs or head… just an ear.

    But that’s not the worst part…. He’s DEAF!

  • Now I’m a Registered Sex Offender

    My doctor told me I could have a stroke at any time.

    Now I’m a registered sex offender.

  • No Internet in the Confession Box

    A man enters a confession box at late night.

    “Father, I’ve sinned. I watch pornography 12 hours a day.”

    The priest asks, “12 hours? How is that even possible?”

    The man says, “Easy. Four hours in the morning, four in the evening, four at night.”

    The priest asks, “Did you watch 12 hours today too?”

    The man replies, “No, only 11 hours and 55 minutes.”

    The priest asks, “Why is that?”

    The man replies, “Because there is no Internet in the confession box.”

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  • What Happened in Agua Fria

    A gunslinger walks into a saloon and yells…

    “…which one of you lily-livered, yellow-bellied, flea-bitten curs stole my horse!?”

    The room is silent.

    The gunslinger continues. “Alright! Here’s what’s going to happen! I’m going to buy a beer, drink it, and then I’m going back outside! And if my horse isn’t there, I’m going to have to do here what I did in Agua Fria! I don’t want to, but if I don’t get my horse back… you aren’t really giving me much of a choice!”

    The gunslinger gets his beer, drinks it, and walks outside, only to find his horse at the watering trough. As he gets into the saddle, the bartender comes out and nervously asks: “So… what did you do in Agua Fria?”

    “Walked out of town and never went back.”

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  • Five Loaves of Rye Bread

    Two old friends, Earl (80) and Frank (87), were sitting on a park bench one morning.

    Frank had just finished his morning walk around the park and didn’t even look winded.

    Earl was amazed and asked, “Frank, how do you have so much energy at your age?”

    Frank grinned and said, “Simple… I eat rye bread every single day.”

    “It keeps your energy up and gives you great stamina with the ladies.”

    On his way home, Earl stopped by the local bakery.

    The young woman behind the counter asked, “Can I help you, sir?”

    Earl said, “Yes ma’am… do you sell rye bread?”

    “Of course we do,” she replied. “How many loaves would you like?”

    Earl thought for a moment and said, “Better make it five loaves.”

    The baker looked surprised and said, “Five loaves? By the time you get to the third one, it’ll be hard.”

    Earl muttered under his breath, “Well I’ll be… I can’t believe everybody already knows about this.”

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  • Nice Legs

    A man walked into a bar one day and saw an obese lady dancing on the table.

    He walked over to her and said, “Those are some nice legs.”

    She said to him, “You think so?”

    He said, “Yes, because most table legs would have collapsed by now.”

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  • Results in Heaven

    A cab driver reaches the pearly gates.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

    Next in line is a preacher.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow, and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

    The preacher is shocked and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”

    St. Peter responds matter-of-factly:

    “This is Heaven, and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”

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  • I’m Nearly at Costco Now

    Don’t you just hate it when you’re sitting on the toilet and realise there’s no paper left and you have to do that silly shuffle walk with your undies around your ankles to go and get some?

    Anyway, I’m nearly at Costco now…