Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Count Chocula Puts Out a Tasty Cereal

    You know, for an evil, undead minion of Satan who feasts on the blood of the living, that Count Chocula sure puts out a mighty tasty cereal.

  • IT Guys Such Dicks

    IT Guys Such Dicks

    Why are IT guys such dicks?

    Last week I drove two hours to push the power button on a server that three separate people assured me was already on.

  • Not a Big Fan

    I hate it when people call me a windmill.

    I’m not a big fan.

  • Penguin Covered in Mustard

    Penguins are funny. Mustard is funny. But do you think a penguin covered in mustard would be funny? I don’t know, but it might help if he were wearing a bib, ’cause bibs are funny.

  • The Truth About Santa Claus

    I think, deep down inside, little children want to be told the truth about Santa Claus. Why else would they stand in line for an hour just to sit on my lap?

  • Epiphany

    I had an epiphany today: I finally realized what the word epiphany means.

  • One Lemon

    If life gives you a lemon, just throw it away, because I tried making lemonade, and let me tell you: One lemon doesn’t give you a lot of great tasting lemonade, buddy.

  • Stationery Bike

    To get into better shape, I treated myself to a new piece of exercise equipment. It looks real pretty with my name and address on it, but the paper cuts are killing me. I guess I should have done more research before getting a stationery bike.

  • Folgers Crystals for the Blood Bank

    I’ve been saving up all my picked-off scabs in little bags, just in case the local blood bank needs some Folgers crystals.

  • Where I Draw the Line

    I do a lot of illegal things…

    But graffiti is where I draw the line.