Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Incomplete Download

    I think my porn was not completely downloaded

  • Books on Turtles

    [Walks into bookstore]

    Me: Do you have any books on turtles?

    Worker: Hard back?

    Me: Yeah, with little heads.

  • Patrick With Them Two Arseholes

    Patrick died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

    Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”

    So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Patrick.”

    The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

    Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”

    The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Patrick.”

    The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

    Sean said, “Well, Patrick had two arseholes.”

    “What? He had two arseholes?” asked the mortician.

    “Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Patrick with them two arseholes…’”

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  • Three Horse

    An old Indian was asked the name of his wife,

    He replied, “Three Horse.”

    “That’s an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?”

    The Indian replied, “It’s an old Indian name.”

    It means, Nag, Nag, Nag.

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  • The Unfaithful Wife

    A man goes to the therapist and says…

    “Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up a man.

    She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can’t take this anymore!”

    The therapist says:

    “Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly, where’s Larry’s bar?”

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  • The Lawn Guy

    I had to fire the guy who mows my lawn.

    He just wasn’t cutting it.

  • So They Don’t Poke Your Eye Out

    Why are pubic hairs curly?

    So they don’t poke your eye out.

  • She Was a Mathmachicken

    I had a hen who could count her own eggs.

    She was a mathmachicken.

  • It Just Kept Ringing

    I called the tinnitus hotline yesterday.

    It just kept ringing.

  • Still Assembling His Cabinet

    Did you hear that the CEO of Ikea was just elected president of Sweden?

    He is still assembling his cabinet.