Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Invisible

    I thought I was invisible, so I went to the doctor…

    …unfortunately, he couldn’t see me.

  • Hit the Ball, Drag Walter

    A man goes golfing every Sunday morning and is usually home in time for lunch. Until one Sunday when his wife found herself waiting well past noon with no sign of her elderly husband. She wrapped up his lunch and put it in the fridge to stay fresh, busying herself with chores and growing more anxious as the afternoon wore on.

    Finally, he pulled into the driveway and she ran out to meet him. “Where have you been?” she asked.

    “Well, Walter had a heart attack on the third hole,” he replied. “Just keeled over and died right there on the spot!”

    “Oh no, that’s terrible!” the wife exclaimed.

    “Yeah, so for the whole rest of the day it was ‘hit the ball, drag Walter. Hit the ball, drag Walter…’”

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  • Job Interview

    Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

    Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.

  • Magic Relationship

    Wife wanted me to put the magic back into our relationship.

    But I don’t think sawing her in half was what she was thinking.

  • The Wizard’s Choice

    When I was a kid, a wizard gave me a choice — to have a giant dick, or perfect memory.

    I forgot which one I picked.

  • Al Roker

    Should NBC be concerned? They keep getting communications that affect the weather from some rogue terrorist group called “Al Roker.”

  • You never leave fingerprints behind

    The only thing I like about winter is that you wear gloves so much you never leave fingerprints behind.

  • I bleed at the sight of someone passing out

    I’ve always been different from most people. For instance, I bleed at the sight of someone passing out.

  • Stars in my eyes

    The worst part about falling asleep in my Campbell’s chicken soup is waking up with stars in my eyes.

  • How much younger she looks

    Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!