Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

I think that woman at the animal shelter is overreacting. I

I think that woman at the animal shelter is overreacting. I never said I wanted to adopt a kitten; I said I wanted a little pussy.
They say it is better to be pissed off than to be pissed on. I

They say it is better to be pissed off than to be pissed on. I don’t know about that — it probably depends on your particular fetish.
The power of language is amazing. For instance, the one-letter

The power of language is amazing. For instance, the one-letter difference between “pastries” and “pasties” was enough to get me permanently banned from every Dunkin’ Donuts in North America.
I’m always glad the Wal-Mart security guards smile when they see

I’m always glad the Wal-Mart security guards smile when they see me coming in the store. Otherwise, what would be the point of humping the dressing room mirror?
sure he means that he likes my huge tits

sure he means that he likes my huge tits.
My parents are very asexual. I swear the only times they had sex

My parents are very asexual. I swear the only times they had sex were when I was conceived, when my sister was conceived, and that time Dad shot me in my still-developing fetal eye.
Turns out you can teach an old dog new tricks. You just have to

Turns out you can teach an old dog new tricks. You just have to send her to the Convention Center beat and pimp her out really cheap.
Thank God for Ruminations. I’ve tried for years to get Heloise

Thank God for Ruminations. I’ve tried for years to get Heloise to publish the following hint: “Tired of sleeping on the wet spot? Keep a hair dryer plugged in next to the bed. One minute on high is all it takes to dry that spot up so you can sleep easy.”
The thing I like best about being a professional carpet layer is

The thing I like best about being a professional carpet layer is when some housewife naively asks me to make sure that the carpet matches the drapes.
No one was surprised when my flat-chested girlfriend discovered

No one was surprised when my flat-chested girlfriend discovered her family originates from the former Soviet republic of Nojugsistan.