Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Wizard’s Choice

    When I was a kid, a wizard gave me a choice — to have a giant dick, or perfect memory.

    I forgot which one I picked.

  • Al Roker

    Should NBC be concerned? They keep getting communications that affect the weather from some rogue terrorist group called “Al Roker.”

  • You never leave fingerprints behind

    The only thing I like about winter is that you wear gloves so much you never leave fingerprints behind.

  • I bleed at the sight of someone passing out

    I’ve always been different from most people. For instance, I bleed at the sight of someone passing out.

  • Stars in my eyes

    The worst part about falling asleep in my Campbell’s chicken soup is waking up with stars in my eyes.

  • How much younger she looks

    Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!

  • My family finding that

    If I die right now, my last Google search will be “carry testicles in milk crate,” so I look forward to my family finding that.

  • Other words and phrases

    I bought a pen that can write under water…
    It can also write other words and phrases.

  • Not Much These Days

    A clown walks into a bar.

    His demeanor is awful. He asks the bartender for a shot, but says he won’t be able to pay for it.

    The bartender takes one look at him and decides he needs it.

    “Sure, buddy. You look awful. Wanna talk about it?”

    The clown downs the shot and says, “My God. Today is the worst day of my life. I’m in town for a comedy show, but my joke gopher was stolen, the show was canceled, my hotel reservation was canceled because of the show, and my bank accounts have been frozen!”

    He slumps in his seat and shakes his head.

    The bartender pours him another shot.

    “Wow, that’s a really awful day. I’m sorry, but what’s a joke gopher?”

    The clown shakes his head again.

    “Not much these days, or I wouldn’t be begging for drinks.”

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  • Much Less Than Murder

    Much Less Than Murder

    Much Less Than Murder