Deadpan Jokes, Memes & Dark Humor

Back at work tomorrow

A morgue worker died today.
But he’ll be back at work tomorrow.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, try swimming with sharks.
It can cost you an arm and a leg.

I got a refrigerator for my wife today.
It was a good trade.

There’s a tornado in my area.
The sky was so black, it took my bike.

I got robbed today and called the police.
The cop asked if I had a description of the assailant.
I said, “Yeah, it’s pump number 5.”

There was a safety meeting at work today…
They asked me, “What steps would you take in case of a fire?”

“Big fucking steps.”

Evidently, that was NOT the answer.

My kids asked me what I knew about Leprechauns.

I said very little.

I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me before he died:
“Are you still holding the ladder?”

I just bought a new blindfold, but I can’t see myself wearing it.

Like my Grandad always says, go the extra mile in every job that you do.
Lovely man, terrible train driver