Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Still haven’t heard from Hallmark about my idea for a line of

    Still haven’t heard from Hallmark about my idea for a line of “Thanks for not molesting me, alcoholic stepdad” cards.

  • If you think this has been a bizarre week, Blac Chyna recently

    If you think this has been a bizarre week, Blac Chyna recently gave birth to North and Saint West’s cousin, Dream Kardashian. Seriously.

  • Just updated the experience section on my resume after I helped

    Just updated the experience section on my resume after I helped my Wiccan neighbor bury her pee jars.

  • Minty Fresh Brains

    I’ve made provisions in my will to be buried with a roll of breath mints. I figure if I should somehow become part of a zombie army roaming the earth, I may want something minty fresh to take the taste of brains out of my mouth.

  • Family of Four

    Family of Four

    I was assigned female at birth and identify as a woman, but according to the back of the Kraft mac and cheese box I’m a family of four

  • Grey and Comes in Pints

    What’s grey and comes in pints?

    An elephant.

  • Weekend Immune System

    I only seem to get sick on weekdays.

    I must have a weekend immune system.

  • Disgruntled Employee

    For the Halloween party at work this year, I went as a disgruntled employee.

    The costume was simple: all I had to do was wear my regular clothes and improve my attitude.

  • Best Costume

    A sure-fire way to win “best costume” at the next Halloween party is to have somebody embed a real chainsaw blade into your shoulder.

    Timing is crucial, though — you don’t want to pass out from loss of blood after 10 minutes, long before the costume judging begins, like I did.

  • In a Nutshell

    Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

    In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.