Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Consumed by His Own Pride

    Did you hear about the arrogant lion tamer?

    He was consumed by his own pride.

  • Everything Before That Was a Blur

    One of my earliest childhood memories was visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.

    Everything before that was a blur.

  • Just Stationery

    I can’t figure out why my paper airplane won’t take off…

    I guess it’s just stationery.

  • You’ll Get Used to It

    My wife and I went to Subway for lunch. She ordered us a footlong to split. I told her 6″ wasn’t enough.

    She replied, “You’ll get used to it!”

  • How About Now

    My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

    I replied, “No.”

    She responded, “How about now?”

  • As Hot Today as 50 Years Ago

    Old lady says to her husband, “My nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago.”

    Her husband says, “They ought to be. One is in coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”

  • Before the Crowbar Was Invented

    True fact:

    Before the crowbar was invented…
    …most crows drank at home.

  • Started to See a Little

    I said to my wife, “I want to marry another woman.” Just to see her reaction.

    On the first day, I saw nothing. Then on the second day, I still saw nothing. On the third day, I started to see a little with my left eye.

  • More Than Six

    How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Well, I know it’s more than six because my basement is still dark.

  • She’s Intuit

    I convinced my wife to do a sexy role play with me where we pretend to be financial corporations.

    She’s Intuit.