Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Soup or Ahi Frozen Fish Sticks

    What did Mary Poppins like for dinner?

    Soup or ahi frozen fish sticks, ex peas, all delicious.

  • The Search Party and the Well

    Little Anne Patterson had been missing for three days now and things were looking grim.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The family lived on the edge of an old forest, made famous by its ability to cause even the most seasoned hiker to lose their way. There was something labyrinthian about that woodland.

    Anne was told never to go out into the forest, but curiosity often proved stronger than her better judgment. She had ventured into the wood on more than one occasion, but in each of these instances, her father was able to get a hold of her before she got too far.

    This time was different.

    A search party had been assembled, combing the Patterson’s vast property.

    In the days since her disappearance, the group had trudged through 10 square miles of wilderness. There was no sign of her until they came across one of her mittens. The second was found 50 feet to the west of the first.

    So they continued west through the densest section of forest yet and eventually came to a clearing with an ancient well in the center.

    A quiet fell among the party as they realized what had likely happened here.

    After a few minutes of tense stasis, the lead detective on the investigation stepped forward to take a look down the well.

    He put his hands on the cold, moldy brick that made up the well’s outer rim and peered over into the abyss.

    He could see nothing.

    “Anne?” he yelled down, hoping he would hear her voice in response. But the only reply was his own echo.

    He turned around and faced Anne’s father, Greg.

    “I yelled down the well to see if she’d reply, but there was no Anne, sir.”

  • Perfect for Fixing a Hot Dog

    Did you know that if your dog is running a fever, you’re supposed to give them ketchup?

    Apparently it’s perfect for fixing a hot dog!

  • The Two Kids in the Hospital

    Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

    The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

    The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

    The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

    The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

    The second kid says, “Whoa, good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.”

  • One Word or Spread Apart

    Is buttcheeks one word or should I spread them apart?

  • The Genie, the Pianist, and the Million Ducks

    A guy walks into a bar carrying a briefcase and an old brass lamp.

    He sits down and sets both on the bar.

    The bartender pours him a drink and asks, “What’s in the briefcase?”

    The man opens it to reveal a tiny man sitting at a piano, playing beautifully.

    “Where on earth did you get that?” the bartender asks.

    The man points to the lamp. “A genie. He granted me a wish.”

    “No way,” says the bartender. “Can I try?”

    “Be my guest.”

    The bartender rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie.

    “What is your wish?” asks the genie.

    The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “I want a million bucks!”

    The genie claps his hands.

    Instantly, the bar is filled with a million ducks.

    Ducks are everywhere. On the tables, behind the bar, hanging from the light fixtures.

    The bartender stares in disbelief.

    “What’s wrong with this genie?” he shouts. “He must be hard of hearing!”

    The man takes a sip of his drink and says, “You think? Do you really believe I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

  • The 12-Inch Pianist and the Million Bucks

    A guy walks into a bar carrying a briefcase and an old brass lamp.

    He sits down and sets both on the bar.

    The bartender pours him a drink and asks, “What’s in the briefcase?”

    The man opens it to reveal a tiny man sitting at a piano, playing beautifully.

    “Where on earth did you get that?” the bartender asks.

    The man points to the lamp. “A genie. He granted me a wish.”

    “No way,” says the bartender. “Can I try?”

    “Be my guest.”

    The bartender rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie.

    “What is your wish?” asks the genie.

    The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “I want a million bucks!”

    The genie claps his hands.

    Instantly, the bar is filled with a million ducks.

    Ducks are everywhere. On the tables, behind the bar, hanging from the light fixtures.

    The bartender stares in disbelief.

    “What’s wrong with this genie?” he shouts. “He must be hard of hearing!”

    The man takes a sip of his drink and says, “You think? Do you really believe I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

  • The Farmer’s New Cock

    A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer’s 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock screws all 150 hens again.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The next day it’s fucking the ducks and geese too. Later he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead with vultures circling overhead.

    The farmer says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!” The cock opens one eye, points up, and says, “Shhhhhh. They’re about to land!!”

  • Being a Literalist

    Being a literalist can sometimes be very helpful.

    I can always respond to “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?” with a confident and honest “No.”

    But I dread the day when she rephrases it as “Does my ass look fat in these jeans?”