Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A woman went to the doctor and said, “I’m getting too much discharge.”
The doctor said, “Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed.”
He put on his latex gloves and slipped 2 fingers into her vagina.
“How does that feel?” he asked.
“Fucking lovely,” she replied. “But the discharge is in my ear.”
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized…
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”
The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him, “What’s your name?”
“John,” the new bloke replied.
The foreman scowled. “Look, I don’t know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It’s weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only — Smith, Jones, Baker, that’s all. If I want a job done, I yell, ‘Baker, get this’ or ‘Jones, do that.’ Now that we have that straight, what’s your last name?”
The new bloke sighed. “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly… “Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is…!”
Old Doc Henderson had been wanting to get out to his deer stand for weeks, and one Thursday morning he decided enough was enough — the fish and the deer weren’t going to wait forever.
He pulled his janitor, Clarence, aside and said, “Clarence, I need a favor. I’m going to head out to the woods for the day. You think you can hold down the fort here at the clinic? Answer the phone, show folks in, handle anything minor. I’ll give you fifty dollars.”
Clarence puffed up a little. “Doc, you can count on me.” So Doc Henderson grabbed his rifle and his thermos and headed out, and Clarence settled behind the front desk like a man born to the role.
The next morning, Doc came back and found Clarence looking very pleased with himself.
“Well, Clarence? How did things go?”
“Smooth as silk, Doc,” Clarence said, leaning back in his chair. “Three patients total. First fellow came in complaining of a headache. I gave him a couple of Tylenol and a glass of water and sent him on his way.”
“Good thinking,” Doc said. “Second patient?”
“Lady with a stomachache. I found some Maalox in the cabinet, gave her a dose, and she felt better almost right away.”
“Excellent,” said Doc. “And the third?”
Clarence’s expression shifted just slightly. He cleared his throat.
“Well,” he said, “I was out back having my afternoon cigarette when I heard the front door fly open. I came back inside and found a woman standing in the waiting room in quite a state — very agitated, very distressed.
Before I could say a word, she had kicked off her shoes, thrown her coat over a chair, and stretched herself right out on the examination table. And she looked up at me and hollered, ‘Please help me — I haven’t seen a man in over two years!’”
Doc Henderson stared. “Good lord, Clarence. What in the world did you do?”
Clarence shrugged calmly. “Put drops in her eyes.”
A Pastor was standing at the church door greeting people after service.
One man walked by and the Pastor grabbed his hand and said, “Brother, you need to join the Army of the Lord!”
The man looked confused and said, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
The pastor whispered, “Then how come I only see you at Christmas and Easter?”
The man leaned in and whispered back, “Because I’m in the secret service.”
I was at this new tech-themed restaurant the other day.
When I walked in, the whole place was decorated like the inside of a computer. Tables looked like motherboards, placemats like keyboards, and the glasses were giant USB sticks.
The host greeted me — dressed in full “nerd” attire, glasses, pocket protector, the works — but something felt off. He just seemed really, really sad. I brushed it off and got seated.
The waitress who brought the menu barely said a word. Honestly, she seemed even more depressed than the host.
After perusing the “main menu,” I decided to have the fish and microchips.
The waiter taking my order was barely listening, then suddenly started crying as he wrote it down and walked off in tears. I’m thinking… what is going on here?
Anyway, 25 minutes goes by… then 45… then an hour. No food. No staff.
So I finally stopped the manager.
“Hey man, what’s going on? I’ve been waiting an hour. Where’s my food, and why is everyone so upset?”
He looks at me and says, “Sorry, sir… all of our servers are down.”
A man and a woman happened to be seated side by side in first class on a cross-country flight. The flight was smooth, the seats were comfortable, and they had both settled in with their books.
Then, without warning, the woman sneezed. She reached for a tissue, dabbed her nose politely — and then shuddered from head to toe as though someone had plugged her in. The man glanced over but said nothing.
A few minutes later it happened again. She sneezed, reached for her tissue, and once more shook like a leaf in a thunderstorm. The man shifted in his seat. He tried to focus on his book. He could not.
After the third time it happened, he set his book down, turned to her as discreetly as he could, and said, “Pardon me, ma’am — I don’t mean to pry, but three times now you’ve sneezed and then, well, shuddered something fierce right afterward. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”
The woman looked a touch embarrassed but smiled graciously. “That’s very kind of you,” she said. “I have a rather rare medical condition. Every time I sneeze, I — how shall I put this — I have a very strong orgasm.”
The man blinked. He opened his mouth. He closed it again. Then he said, “Goodness. I’ve never heard of anything like that. Are there any treatments? What do you take for it?”
She turned to him with a perfectly straight face and replied, “Pepper.”
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition…
On the way back the wife, very worried, asks, “So, honey? How’s my mum doing?”
He replies, “She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!”
“Wow that’s amazing!” says the wife. “But this is very strange, dear… yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!”
“Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday,” he replied. “But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst.”
There was a salesman whose car broke down on a country road. He opened the hood and was looking at the engine trying to figure what was wrong.
All of a sudden he hears a voice say, “It’s the carburetor.”
He looks around and there is only a cow in the area. Looking back at the engine he hears the voice say again, “It’s the carburetor.”
He realizes it’s the cow! He asks the cow to speak again and the cow obliges, “I’ve told you twice it’s the carburetor.”
The salesman runs down the road, finds a farmer and says excitedly, “That cow in the field over there can talk! It was telling me what’s wrong with my car!”
The farmer looks at the salesman and says, “Don’t pay any attention to that cow, it doesn’t know anything about cars.”
