Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and yells, “If I’m about to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A drunk fellow stands up, removes his shirt and says, “HERE, FUCKIN’ IRON THIS!”
A drug store owner walks in and notices a man leaning stiffly against the wall.
He asks the clerk, “What’s wrong with that guy?”
The clerk says, “He came in looking for something for a cough. We were out of cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxatives.”
The owner shouts, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk replies, “Oh yeah? Look at him… he’s afraid to cough.”
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink…
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion exclaims, “Oh my gosh! It’s in the paper already?”
An Amish husband, wife, and son travel to the city on vacation.
While the mother shops, the father and son stand in awe in front of an elevator, having no idea what it is.
As they watch, an elderly woman slowly walks into the strange silver doors. The doors close, and the father and son watch the numbers light up as the elevator rises… then pauses, and comes back down.
A moment later, the doors open and a beautiful young woman steps out.
The son stares in amazement and asks, “Dad… what just happened?”
The father leans over and whispers, “I’m not sure, son… but quick, go get your mother!”
Penny was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble.
“Penny,” the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. “Who created the universe?”
When she didn’t stir, Mark, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil.
“God Almighty!” shouted Penny, and the teacher said, “Very good.”
A while later the teacher asked, “Penny, who is our savior?” But again Penny didn’t stir from her slumber.
Mark poked her again with his pencil. “JESUS Christ!” exclaimed Penny.
“Very well done,” said the teacher, impressed by her enthusiasm.
Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?” and again, Mark jabbed her with the pencil.
This time Penny jumped up and shouted, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!”
The teacher fainted.
A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY… for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?!”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for the last 48 years.”
A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!”
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”
The old guy replies, “Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my wife. She’s in here somewhere.”
The clerk is astonished.
“Your wife’s name is Crisco?”
The old guy answers, “Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we’re out in public.”
“I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call her at home?”
“Lard ass.”
