Tone: unexpected

Unexpected humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • A Place In The Library

    A guy is looking for a place to sit in a college library.

    He asks a girl, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

    The girl replies in a loud voice, “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”

    All the students turn and stare at the guy. Flushed with embarrassment, he moves to another table.

    After a couple of minutes, the girl walks quietly to the guy’s table and says with a laugh, “I study psychology, so I know what a man is thinking. Guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

    The guy then responds, also in a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT’S TOO MUCH!”

    All the students are now looking at the girl in shock.

    The guy whispers in her ear, “I study law, and I know how to screw people.”

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  • Iced Tea With Two Ladies

    Two southern ladies were sipping iced teas on a warm afternoon.

    The first one wiggled her wrist and bragged, “See this tennis bracelet? My husband gave it to me just because.”

    The second lady nodded and politely said, “Bless your heart.”

    The first one then twirled her pearl necklace with her finger and said, “My husband gave me this for my birthday. Don’t you just love the luster?”

    The second lady said, louder this time, “Bless your heart.”

    The first one then said, “See this two-carat diamond ring?” Waving her hand in front of the second lady’s nose, she added, “My husband replaced my wedding ring with it because he is now so well off!”

    The second lady exclaimed, “OH, BLESS YOUR HEART!”

    The first lady then smugly said, “No offense, but what did your husband get you?”

    The second lady replied, “He paid for me to go to charms school.”

    “Oh dear, so what have you learned?” inquired the first lady condescendingly.

    The second lady said, “We learned to say ‘bless your heart’ instead of ‘F*uck you!’”

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  • The Old-Timer’s Tips

    A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

    The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

    ‘Do you think you could give me some tips?’ he asked.

    The old man looked him up and down and said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’

    ‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.

    ‘Sure will,’ replied the old-timer.

    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

    ‘That’s terrific!’ said the hot shot. ‘Got any more tips for me?’

    ‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.’

    ‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the younger man.

    ‘You bet it will,’ said the old-timer.

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    ‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy. ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’

    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’ The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

    ‘No,’ said the old-timer. ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.’

    ‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.

    ‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, well, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.’

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  • The Walk Home

    A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides, what the hell.

    They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It’s a policeman.

    “What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

    “I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

    “Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop. “I didn’t know.”

    “Well,” says the man, “to tell the truth, neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

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  • The Scenic Drive

    After coming home late, my wife was furious and asked where I was. I told her I was playing poker with my friends.

    She refused to talk to me, so I took her out on a long scenic drive.

    Her mood eventually improved, and looking out the window, she sighed, “What a beautiful view. I wish we could spend the rest of our lives right here.”

    I said, “Well, your wish just came true… because you won’t believe what happened at poker.”

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  • A Visit To Grandpa

    John went to visit his 90-year-old grandpa, who lived alone way out in the country.

    The first morning, Grandpa prepared a big breakfast of bacon and eggs. As John sat down to eat, he noticed a strange film on his plate.

    “Grandpa,” he asked cautiously, “are these plates clean?”

    Grandpa looked at him and replied, “They’s as clean as cold water can get ’em.”

    John decided not to argue and ate his breakfast.

    At lunchtime, Grandpa made hamburgers. As John sat down, he noticed what appeared to be a few dried bits of egg stuck to his plate.

    “Grandpa,” he said, “are you sure these plates are clean?”

    Without looking up, Grandpa replied, “Like I said at breakfast, them dishes are as clean as cold water can get ’em.”

    John reluctantly ate his hamburger.

    That evening, Grandpa served dinner. John examined his plate very carefully and noticed what looked suspiciously like a smear of mustard left over from his lunch.

    “Grandpa,” John said, trying to remain polite, “are you sure the dishes are clean?”

    Grandpa looked up, a little annoyed.

    “Consarn it! Like I told you, they’s as clean as cold water can get ’em!”

    John figured there was no point arguing with Grandpa and finished his meal.

    The next morning, John got up early to head home. He thanked Grandpa for the visit, grabbed his bags, and headed for the front door. But as he reached the doorway, Grandpa’s dog suddenly started growling and blocking his way. John stepped back and called out, “Grandpa! Your dog won’t let me get by!”

    Grandpa looked over at the dog and said, “Cold Water, go lie down!”

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  • The Devil’s Three Wishes

    A man spent years worshipping the Devil.

    The Devil finally showed up and offered him three wishes.

    “First wish,” the man said. “I want a thousand more wishes.”

    “Doesn’t work like that.”

    “Fine. Turn your trident into a toothpick.”

    The Devil sighed and did it.

    “Second wish. Stick that toothpick up your ass.”

    He stared at the man for a long moment, then did that too.

    “Now give me a thousand wishes,” the man said, “or my third wish is that the toothpick turns back into a trident.”

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  • Romantic Nostalgia

    An elderly couple had just climbed into bed for the night.

    As they lay in the dark, the wife felt a wave of romantic nostalgia.

    “Honey,” she whispered, “remember how you used to hold my hand when we were courting?”

    The husband sighed, reached over, took her hand, squeezed it gently, and settled back down.

    A few minutes later, she whispered, “And remember how you used to lean over and give me a sweet little kiss on the cheek?”

    The husband sighed again, rolled over, kissed her cheek, and tucked himself back in.

    Another minute passed.

    “And remember how you used to softly nibble on my neck and ear?”

    Suddenly, the husband threw off the blankets, swung his legs out of bed, and stood up.

    Startled, the wife asked, “Honey, where are you going?”

    Without looking back, he muttered, “To the bathroom to get my teeth!”

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  • What Turns You On More

    A wife gets naked and asks her husband, “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

    Her husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, “Your sense of humor.”

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  • Fred’s Annual Physical

    Fred is eighty years old and has just had his annual physical. His doctor is, as always, very impressed at Fred’s level of fitness. Fred explains:

    “Ever since I was young, my faith in God has helped me with the discipline needed to keep at it. As I age, the Lord keeps guiding me in many ways. For instance, when I get up to pee at night, the Lord turns the bathroom light on, and when I’m done, the Lord turns the bathroom light off.”

    After Fred leaves, the doctor is a little concerned about what may be a hallucination, so he calls Fred’s wife.

    “Fred is in great shape as always, but he said one thing that concerned me. He said when he gets up to pee at night, the Lord turns the bathroom light on, and when he’s done, the Lord turns the bathroom light off. Do you know what that means?”

    “Yes, it means he’s pissing in the fridge again!”

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