Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break.
Nina asks, “So, Liz, how’s your sex life these days?”
Liz replies, “Oh, you know. It’s the usual, Social Security kind.”
“Social Security?” Nina asked quizzically.
“Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.”
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of “Good Nights” she went upstairs.
Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others’ shoulders beneath Snow White’s bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy’s turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, “She’s taking off her blouse!” and this was echoed down the stack — “Taking off her blouse,” “She’s taking off her blouse,” “Blouse is coming off,” “Taking off her blouse,” etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, “She’s taking off her skirt,” which was followed by the echoes — “Taking off her skirt,” “She’s taking off her skirt,” “Skirt’s coming off,” “Taking off her skirt,” etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, “She’s taking off her bra!” and the echo chorus went down the line: “She’s taking off her bra!” “She’s taking off her bra!” “She’s taking off her bra!” etc.
Then Grumpy said, “She’s taking off her panties!” which again cascaded down the dwarf tower. “She’s taking off her panties!” “She’s taking off her panties!” “She’s taking off her panties!” “She taking off her panties!” etc.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, “Someone’s coming!”
And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.”
It’s funny how the hip-hop “booty” is different from the old-time pirate “booty” — yet if you have either of them, you can pretty easily get the other.
Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate
~ You get an angry phone call at 2 AM describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”
~ Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.
~ Your wife forbids you to do yard work.
~ Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.
~ Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”
You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”
~ The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.
~ Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.
~ There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.
~ You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.
~ Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”
~ After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.
~ There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sounds like the Indy 500.
~ You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.
~ Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.
~ Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”
I designed my new video to address an under-served niche: enabling Atkins dieters to enjoy the thrill of watching a starch-laden buffet get decimated without all the unwanted after-effects via “60-Minute Carbio Porkout!”
On my resume, should I be bold and include “Proven Methodology of Obtaining and Retaining Preferred Seating on the Short Bus” as an achievement? Or should I just list it with my other superpowers?
The old song says, “One is the loneliest number you could ever do.” I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather be alone when I’m doing number two.
They say if you have positive thoughts about something, it will happen. Well, I’ve been thinking positively about my neighbor’s 19-year-old daughter, but so far, no luck. I think maybe my wife’s negative thoughts are interfering.
“Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”
“Oh crap!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”
