Quick tip for those who are struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not
Stay tuned for more tips.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
A Pirated Copy
My friend said his favorite Star Wars quote was, “Aargh Luke, ye scurvy dog, I be yer father.”
I think he got a pirated copy.
-
The Pope at the Gates of Heaven
The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven…
He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.
St. Peter: “Yes? How can I help you?”
Pope: “I want to speak with God.”
St. Peter: “And you are?”
Pope, frustrated: “I’m the Pope!”
St. Peter: “Doesn’t ring a bell.”
Pope, very angry: “I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!”
St. Peter closes the Gate and goes to God.
St. Peter: “My Lord, there is someone who wants to talk with you.”
God: “Who?”
St. Peter: “He calls himself the Pope.”
God: “Who is that supposed to be?”
St. Peter: “I don’t know, what should we do with him?”
God: “Let Jesus talk with him, he spent some time down there.”
Jesus goes to the Pope.
A few minutes later Jesus returns laughing like there is no tomorrow.
God: “What’s so funny, Jesus?”
Jesus: “Father, you won’t believe this — that fishing club I founded 2,000 years ago, it still exists!”
-
The Gynecologist Mechanic
A gynecologist had grown tired of malpractice insurance, paperwork, and burnout.
Hoping to start a new career where skilled hands would still be useful, he decided to become a mechanic.
He enrolled in evening classes at a local technical college, studied diligently, and learned everything he could.
When the practical exam finally arrived, he prepared carefully and completed it with tremendous skill.
A few days later, he received his results and was shocked to discover he had scored 150%.
Assuming there had been some kind of mistake, he called the instructor.
“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful,” he said, “but I think there may be an error in my score.”
The instructor replied, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly. That earned you 50%.”
“You then put the engine back together perfectly. That earned you the other 50%.”
After a brief pause, the instructor added:
“I gave you an extra 50% because you did the whole thing through the exhaust pipe, and I’ve never seen that done before.”
-
The Blonde and the River
A blonde was staring dumbfounded at a rushing river blocking her path. As she wondered how to cross, she saw another blonde on the other side.
She yelled, “Hey, can you help me get to the other side?”
The other blonde replied, “You ARE on the other side!”
-
The Blonde and the Gun
This blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and, sure enough, she opens the door to find him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is angry.
She opens her purse, takes out the gun but, as she does, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”
The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next.”
-
Sister Sally and the Gin
Sister Sally goes into the liquor store and asks for a pint of gin.
The clerk is taken aback. “Sister. What are you doing buying such a thing?”
“It’s okay,” replied Sister Sally. “It’s for the Mother Superior’s constipation.”
“Oh well then that’s okay.” And he sells her the gin.
After he closes up shop, he’s walking home and sees Sister Sally on the park bench absolutely blotto, just sloppy and singing bawdy songs and making a spectacle of herself.
“Sister!” he cried. “I thought you said the gin was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”
“It is,” replied the Sister. “When she sees me like this she’s gonna shit!”
-
Is There Baseball in Heaven
Two elderly Jews, Abe and Solomon, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons, and talking about baseball, like they do every single day.
Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”
Sol thinks about this for a minute, and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: If I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you can do the same for me.”
They shake on it, and sadly, a couple of months later, Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So… Is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “there’s good news, and there’s bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says, “Well, I can tell you that there IS baseball in heaven!”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that???”
Abe sighs sadly, and whispers, “You’re pitching for us on Friday…”
