Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
An employee asks his boss for a raise, explaining that four companies are after him.
The boss agrees to a ten percent raise and extra vacation time, then asks which companies are after him.
The employee replies, “The Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company, and the Mortgage Company!”
Actual transcript of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
U.S. Ship: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.”
Canadians: “Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.”
U.S. Ship: “This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”
Canadians: “No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.”
U.S. Ship: “THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE.”
Canadians: “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”
My wife emailed me the pictures from our first trip together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation?
Both of them only need a couple of tugs.
An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her dad on “Take Your Kids to Work Day.” As they were walking around, the little girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar Nazi?
You call them antisemantic!
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
