Topic: adult humor

Adult humor jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • The Cat On The Roof

    A wife goes on vacation and asks her husband how her cat is doing.

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    The husband says, “The cat’s dead.”

    She tells him he should have broken the news gently by saying the cat was on the roof and they couldn’t get her down.

    Then she asks how her mother is doing.

    The husband says, “Your mother’s on the roof and we can’t get her down.”

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  • Three Cowboys Around A Fire

    Three cowboys sat around a campfire, exchanging tall tales about how tough they were. The first had strangled a snake, and the second had killed a bear.

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    The two cowboys looked to the third and asked if he thought he was tougher than them.

    The third cowboy said nothing and just continued to sit there, stirring the fire with his dick.

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  • Haggling Over Price

    A guy asks a woman, “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”

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    She replies, “Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes.”

    “Well, would you do it for five dollars?”

    “NO! What do you think I am?”

    “We’ve already established what you are. Now we’re just haggling over price.”

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  • An Electric Fence

    An elderly husband asks his wife if she remembers the first time they had sex behind the village tavern. They return to the fence, and a policeman secretly follows them.

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    The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. They erupt into furious sex against the fence, then collapse afterward.

    The amazed policeman asks their secret.

    The old man replies, “Fifty years ago, that wasn’t an electric fence.”

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  • A Cowboy In Town

    A cowboy is walking down Main Street in nothing but his boots and hat. A sheriff stops him and asks why he is walking down the street naked.

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    The cowboy explains that after he and Sally took off their clothes, she laid down and hollered, “Go to town, cowboy!”

    “So here I am.”

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  • A Code For The Evening

    A married man starts a new job that makes him work late hours. Every night, he comes home ready to have sex with his wife, who is usually asleep.

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    He says, “We need a code so you can let me know when you’re in the mood. I’ll wake you up with my erection in your hand. If you’re in the mood, stroke it two times.”

    His wife asks, “Okay, but what if I’m not in the mood?”

    He says, “You’ll stroke it 200 times!”

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  • Making Ends Meet

    A couple was going through some tough times and decided to try prostitution to make ends meet. After the first night, the wife came home after a long night and put $50.25 on the table.

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    The husband commented that it was a decent start and asked who paid with a quarter.

    She replied, “Everyone.”

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  • Thirty Dollars

    A couple decides to try prostitution to make ends meet. Harry tells his wife to stand outside a bar, charge a hundred bucks, and ask him if she has questions.

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    A guy offers thirty. Harry says he can get a handjob for that.

    She gets in the car, sees his HUGE… and says, “I’ll be right back.”

    She runs back to Harry and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

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  • A Breathalyzer Test

    In Russia, a man is driving with his wife and small child when a policeman pulls him over on suspicion of being drunk. The breathalyzer shows he is drunk.

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    The man insists it is broken and asks the policeman to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Then he asks the policeman to test his child.

    When the child registers drunk as well, the policeman shrugs and sends them on their way.

    Out of earshot, the man tells his wife, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple of shots of vodka.”

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  • The Bar Challenge

    A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

    The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”

    The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”

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