Adult humor jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her. Afterward, he sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
Three dogs are at the vet. Two explain they attacked the mailman and milkman, so they are getting their nuts cut.
The third dog says he jumped on the master’s wife when she bent over and tore her ass up.
The others ask, “Damn, you getting your nuts cut too?”
The third dog replies, “No, just my nails done.”
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor tells her to take off her pants and starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?”
“Yes, checking for abnormalities,” she replies.
He later starts having sex with her and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting herpes. That’s why I am here!”
It was the mailman’s last day after 35 years on the same route. Every house gave him congratulations and gifts.
At the final house, a beautiful blonde led him upstairs for a passionate liaison, then made him a giant breakfast. He noticed a dollar bill under his coffee cup.
“What’s the dollar for?” he asked.
She said, “Last night, I asked my husband what to give you. He said, ‘Scr*w him… give him a dollar.’ But the breakfast was my idea.”
An employee asks his boss for a raise, explaining that four companies are after him.
The boss agrees to a ten percent raise and extra vacation time, then asks which companies are after him.
The employee replies, “The Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company, and the Mortgage Company!”
A car is swerving all over the road. It cuts across the centerline, whips back to the shoulder, and then back into its lane, until a cop pulls it over.
The driver is a blonde. She explains that she keeps seeing a tree in the road and has to swerve to avoid it.
She points ahead and says, “See, look, officer. There’s another tree in the road.”
The officer looks through the windshield and says, “Ma’am, that’s not a tree. That’s your air freshener.”
“I have two pieces of bad news,” the doctor says.
“What are they?”
“Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer.”
“What’s the second piece of news?” he asks.
“Well, the second piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer’s.”
The man laughs and says, “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”
A guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him he has to leave for a while and asks, “Can you handle it?”
The new employee reluctantly agrees.
While he is alone, he sells a white dildo, a black dildo, and then a plaid one from the shelf for $165.
Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?”
The salesman says, “I think I did good. I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!”
He says, “Gramps, can I have a puff?” Grandpa replies, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”
“No…”
“Well, you can’t have any.”
Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, “Can I have a swig?” Grandpa replies again, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”
“No…”
“Well, you can’t have any.”
The boy goes into the kitchen and is eating cookies when his Grandpa walks in.
“Can I have a cookie?” asks Grandpa.
“Can your dick touch your asshole?”
Grandpa says, “As a matter of fact, it can!”
The little boy replies, “Well then, you can go fuck yourself. These are MY cookies.”
