Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer’s 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock screws all 150 hens again.
The next day it’s fucking the ducks and geese too. Later he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead with vultures circling overhead.
The farmer says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!” The cock opens one eye, points up, and says, “Shhhhhh. They’re about to land!!”
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here too.”
I was going to cook alligator for dinner…
But then I realized I only have a croc pot.
A priest is sent to deepest Africa to convert the natives.
He clears out an area for his camp and builds a hut of sticks for shelter. His only entertainment is the Bible and his violin. Before he retires for the night he builds a fire and sits down near it and plays his violin.
Shortly afterwards he notices that a few animals begin to surround his camp and seem to enjoy the music. As time goes by he builds a large audience of critters every evening.
One night an old lion walks into the clearing and looks around slowly. When he notices the priest he leaps on him and quickly devours the poor clergyman.
A hyena rushes up to the lion and asks him, “Why did you do that, all of us loved his music, we listened every night and it relaxed us so much. Now he is gone. Why? Why?”
The lion cocked his head toward the hyena, put his paw behind his ear and hollered, “WHAT?”
Petey Penguin goes on holiday to the land down under and takes a road trip across the Nullarbor Plain, a notoriously isolated road running for thousands of miles through hot, hot desert without a tree in sight.
After days of driving through endless harsh desert, the engine in his clapped-out combi starts to splutter and die. Through the rippling heat haze ahead of him, Petey thinks he can just make out a servo (petrol station) in the far distance.
With the air-con in his combi spurting out hot air and the engine spewing out smoke, he manages to limp the van into the shade of the servo.
Petey’s luck is in! Not only does the servo have a mechanic and workshop, but also a nice air-conditioned shop, complete with a full gelato (ice-cream) bar!
Petey explains his predicament to the friendly mechanic and then beats a retreat to the shop to cool down. Penguins aren’t great in the heat! He buys a whole tub of vanilla ice-cream and goes to town, like a dog at a tucker box, flippers to beak, no time for spoons, ice-cream flying everywhere!
After he’s recovered his cool, Petey waddles out to talk to the mechanic, who’s busy working on the car.
“Any idea what’s wrong with it?” Petey warbles nervously.
“Yeah-nah. Looks like you’ve blown a seal!” drawls the mechanic.
“No! It’s just ice-cream, honest!”
Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat.
Attendant says, “WTF — you have 5 penguins in your back seat.”
“I KNOW!” the guy says. “They jumped in at the light, and now I don’t know what to do.”
Attendant thinks for a second and says, “I’ll tell you what I’d do — I’d take them to the zoo.”
“That’s a great idea!” says the driver.
A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they’re wearing sunglasses.
“What are you doing — I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” exclaims the attendant.
“We did go! We had a great time! Today we’re going to the beach!”
For his birthday, David got a parrot. But this wasn’t your average, sweet-talking bird — oh no. This parrot was fully grown, had a nasty attitude, and a mouth worse than a sailor on bad coffee. Every other word was rude, offensive, or downright unrepeatable. David tried everything to fix this feathered menace. He spoke kindly to it, played soft music, even tried classical music — nothing worked.
The more polite David was, the more disrespectful the parrot became. He yelled, it yelled louder. He threatened it, it cursed him out. It was like living with a feathery little gangster.
One day, at his wit’s end, David lost it. In desperation, he gently shoved the parrot into the freezer for a few seconds — just to cool him off.
The bird went wild — squawking, scratching, kicking the door — then suddenly… silence.
Panicked, David flung open the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out, eyes wide and feathers frosty, and said in the most polite tone: “Sir, I deeply apologize for my past behavior. I have seen the error of my ways and will make every effort to be a model citizen from now on. Please forgive me.”
David stood stunned. Before he could speak, the parrot leaned forward and whispered, “May I ask, what exactly did the poor chicken do?”
There was a salesman whose car broke down on a country road. He opened the hood and was looking at the engine trying to figure what was wrong.
All of a sudden he hears a voice say, “It’s the carburetor.”
He looks around and there is only a cow in the area. Looking back at the engine he hears the voice say again, “It’s the carburetor.”
He realizes it’s the cow! He asks the cow to speak again and the cow obliges, “I’ve told you twice it’s the carburetor.”
The salesman runs down the road, finds a farmer and says excitedly, “That cow in the field over there can talk! It was telling me what’s wrong with my car!”
The farmer looks at the salesman and says, “Don’t pay any attention to that cow, it doesn’t know anything about cars.”
A traveling salesman breaks down on a country road.
He goes to the only farmhouse he can see. As he’s approaching the porch, a dog sits up and says, “Good afternoon, how are you?”
“Oh my, you can talk!”
“Yeah, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. The government found out about me and trained me to spy for them. Who would think the dog in the room was listening and reporting back what was said? I traveled the world several times over, sometimes helping to stop a war, and sometimes to start one. It was all very exciting but I finally decided to settle down here at this farmhouse and spend my remaining days on this peaceful porch.”
“Wow, that’s amazing!”
The salesman knocks on the door and asks the farmer if he’s interested in selling the dog.
“Sure, I’ll take 10 bucks for him.”
“Why so little, you do know he can talk?”
“Yeah, I know, but he’s a liar. He’s never been off this porch!”
