Another one
The dust
Topic: animals
Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.
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A Trained Crocodile
A circus claims to have a truly unique attraction: a trained crocodile.
The crocodile shows some truly astonishing skills like jumping through a burning hoop, riding a bicycle, and even smoking a pipe.
At the end of the show, the crocodile’s trainer instructs the orchestra to play a dramatic flourish as he unzips his pants and places his member into the crocodile’s open mouth. The crocodile then gently closes its mouth until the trainer gives it a good, solid whack between the eyes, upon which the crocodile lets go of his member without as much as a scratch. The audience erupts in applause until the trainer gestures for them to be quiet.
“Any gentleman within the audience who is willing to repeat this, I will give them $1,000 in cash!” he proclaims. Nobody answers, so he ups the ante to $2,000, then $3,000 and even $4,000 until, when he calls out: “Alright, then, $5,000!” a man in the audience stands up.
“I’ll do it! But on one condition!”
“And what would that be?” asks the trainer.
“Don’t hit me between the eyes like that.”
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The Horse, the Pig, and the Chicken
A horse, a pig, and a chicken were friends.
One day they were playing on the farm when the horse suddenly fell into a deep ditch. The pig and the chicken panicked and started crying for help. The horse called out to them from the ditch and said, “Run to the shed where the farmer keeps his tractor. Get a rope, tie one end to the tractor and throw the other end to me. Then have the farmhand drive the tractor and pull me up.”
The chicken and the pig did exactly that but weren’t sure if the tractor would work. But it was a powerful Mercedes tractor and in no time the horse was rescued from the ditch.
A few days later the three of them were playing on the farm again when the chicken fell into the same ditch. The pig panicked and told the horse, “Come on, let’s get the tractor and the rope, quick!”
The horse calmly said, “Wait, leave this to me.” He went over to the ditch, slowly lowered his dick and asked the chicken to grab on to it. As the terrified chicken grabbed his dick the horse carefully pulled her up.
“Wow, that was amazing,” said the pig. “How did you even think of that?”
“Well,” the horse replied, “when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.”
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Ted Meets the Missus
Ted asks his colleague, “So Larry, when are you gonna have me over to meet the missus?”
“Well,” says Larry, “she’s very shy, and doesn’t love socializing.”
“Ah come on Larry, it’ll be a quiet evening with just us three.”
“Hmm, OK let me talk to her.”
A few days later, Larry says, “OK I talked her into it, but you have to remember how hard this is for her. Promise me you won’t say anything that might upset her.”
Ted says sure, of course, so they agree on dinner Friday at seven.
Friday rolls around, and Larry meets Ted at his front door.
“Welcome, Ted! Come on in, and just remember: we’re making a real effort here, so let’s have a nice quiet calm evening.”
Ted agrees and walks through to the living room, where he stops dead in his tracks and shouts, “OH MY GOD LARRY YOUR WIFE IS A FUCKING TURTLE”
Larry says, “Ted, look what you’ve done! Do you have any idea what it took to get her out of her shell?”
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Rover and Fifi
Little Johnnie had a mutt named Rover. The next-door neighbor, little Susie, had a purebred poodle named Fifi. Fifi came in heat and Rover was able to get to her. Little Susie found them and couldn’t get them apart, so she called Johnnie crying about his mangy mutt ruining her prized poodle.
Little Johnnie came over, walked around the dogs, stuck his finger in his mouth, then stuck his finger up Rover’s backside. The dogs instantly separated and Rover ran away howling.
Susie said, “How did you know that would work?”
Johnnie replied, “Well, old Rover likes to dish it out, but he can’t take it.”
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Little Johnny in the Park
Little Johnny is walking through the park with his father when they see two dogs going at it. Little Johnny points at the dogs and says, “Hey Pop, what’s happening?”
“Son, they’re making a puppy.”
That night Little Johnny walks past his parents’ bedroom and he sees his dad giving it to his mom.
“Hey Pop, what’s happening now?”
“Son, we’re making you a baby brother.”
“Yeah well, flip her over. I’d rather have a puppy!”
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Out with Grandmother
A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.
“What are they doing?” asked the girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said: “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying it to the doctor.”
The girl thought for a moment, and then said: “They are just like people, aren’t they?”
“What do you mean?” asked Grandma.
“Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they will fuck you every time.”
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Pet-Sitting a Pair of Dogs
A woman is pet-sitting a pair of dogs, one male and one female. In the middle of the night she awakens to a loud commotion.
The female had gone into heat and the male was trying to mate with her. She couldn’t get them apart and was terrified.
She called the local veterinarian and explained what was going on.
The vet suggested, “Take your phone and place it near the dogs. I’ll ring your phone and the ringing sound will distract the male, causing him to lose his erection. Then you will be able to separate them easily.”
“Are you sure it will work?”
“It just worked on me!”
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Two Dogs at the Vet
Two dogs are sitting in the waiting room of the veterinary office, reading their doggie magazines.
The first dog turns to the second. “So what are you here for?” the first dog asks.
“Well, you know how it is, being alone all day in a house?”
“I suppose so…”
“Let me tell you. When my owner comes home, I’m so excited to see her that I start humping the coffee table. She pulls me off, so I start humping the couch. She pulls me off, so I start humping my chew toy. So she brought me here to have me fixed.”
“Oh, I see…”
They go back to reading their doggie magazines.
After a while, the second dog turns to the first. “So what are you here for?”
“When my owner comes home, I’m so excited to see her that I start humping the coffee table. She pulls me off, so I start humping the couch. She pulls me off, I’m so excited that I start humping HER.”
“So, you’re here to get fixed too?”
“Nah, I’m here to get my nails clipped.”
