Political jokes, public meltdowns, campaign nonsense, and democracy having a day from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
20. Czechout
19. Byehamas
18. AufWiederSpain
17. Bolts-wanna
16. ToStayOrTogo
15. Cote de AuRevoir
14. Canadivorce
13. Fleeji
12. Scootland
11. Outdia
10. Bounce-nia and Herewegoseeya
9. Dubaibye
8. Afghaniscram
7. China-na-na, Hey Hey, Goodbye!
6. Solongman Islands
5. Australiaderci!
4. Farewales
3. Ethelopeia
2. ColorMeGhana
And the number one Brexitism…
1. Greece Out
12. Urinal-water-resistant phone cases.
11. Being picked for the “Survivor” series filming over the remainder of the Presidential Primary season.
10. Toilet paper without pieces of bark in it.
9. Black Friday retailers who arm their staff with Tasers.
8. My wife for giving me a new AR-15 after my old one was taken from me in an armed robbery.
7. That there are six degrees of separation between me and Charlie Sheen.
6. I would show you how thankful I am for the Oxford Dictionary’s word of the year, but emojis don’t work here.
5. Terrorism and refugee crises put in perspective by students protesting certain Halloween costumes.
4. “Relaxed fit” Jeggings!
3. With the presidential election still a year away, 12 more months of Trump jokes!
2. Lube and needle-nose pliers. Please don’t ask why.
And the number one thing we’re most thankful for this year…
1. The love, patience, and understanding of my fam… [snort]… [chuckle]… sorry. Couldn’t say it with a straight face. CRONUTS, baby! Cronuts are friggin’ AWESOME!
16. “Let the record show that the defendant has entered a plea of ‘not guilty by reason of oppressive tyranny.’”
15. “Seventeen consecutive life sentences? You can do that time standing on your head, big guy. No, really.”
14. “Mr. Hussein, could you please tell the court why this goat looks at you so fondly?”
13. “Call Rumsfeld. He’ll vouch for me.”
12. “Speaking of WMDs, either we need air conditioning in this courtroom or Saddam has to quit eating prison food.”
11. “Your Honor, Mr. Hussein would like to present evidence implicating the entire state of Florida as the true architect of recent evil.”
10. “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids and that dog!”
9. “In Iraq, we understand that torture obtains information, murder instills fear and respect, and attempted genocide puts down rebellions — but Zabibah and the King? A completely inexcusable offense, you vile son of a dog!”
8. “We’ll drop the charges if you’d just please tell us where a WMD is — preferably right before the election.”
7. “Word is that his name around the cell block is Shirley.”
6. “Would jurors number 7 and 12 please put down the RPGs?”
5. “Well, yes, he does kind of look like Billy Joel, now that you mention it.”
4. “He was found living in a hole and has been in prison ever since, yet he still looks healthier than Cheney.”
3. “I would never order the deaths of my fellow citizens. However, we did respond in self-defense after an epidemic of people charged our firing squads, single file.”
2. “Your Honor, the soldiers who found Mr. Hussein would like to apologize to the court for not shooting him instead.”
And Topfive.com’s number one thing overheard during Saddam’s trial…
1. “Bail is set at ‘when monkeys fly out of my butt singing show tunes.’”
The Top 14 Recent Headlines You May Have Missed
14) Alec Baldwin is out for six weeks after spraining his brain doing a Trump impression.
13) Experts say some of the people can be fooled all of the time.
12) Army Corps declares tribal casino the best site for a pipeline crossing.
11) Newly sentient computer commits suicide after seeing the newspaper.
10) Reduced viewership leads the NFL to introduce Assless Chaps Thursday Night Football and Catch-a-Pass/Do-a-Shot Tuesday Night Football.
9) Vera Wang changes her first name to “Huge.”
8) New Starbucks “Baby Jesus Christmas Cup” infuriates pro-Santa groups.
7) Kanye West is being treated in a psychiatric hospital for behaving like Kanye West.
6) Dolly Parton’s sales sag, but not as much as her other assets.
5) The War on Christmas is now longer than WWII, yet the U.S. is no closer to victory.
4) Well-dressed homeless guy shouting on a corner is actually Mel Gibson.
3) Canada closes its borders to stave off an influx of Hollywood refugees.
2) Pregame anthem protests intensify during National Accordion Week.
And the #1 recent headline you may have missed…
1) Keith Richards continues to defy 2016: “C’mon, ya pussy, do yer worst!”
The Top 15 Signs It’s Too F*#king Cold (Part 2)
15) Suddenly every woman’s T-shirt looks like Jennifer Aniston’s.
14) Lines wrap around the block for help-wanted signs at crematoriums.
13) Bipartisan agreement emerges to relocate Trump’s inauguration to Mar-a-Lago.
12) The annual Polar Bear Club outing gets moved to the YMCA indoor pool.
11) You can see your breath and can’t wear flip-flops (Southern California only).
10) Every fire hydrant has two or three dogs stuck to it.
9) Dick Cheney’s cold, dead heart raises Wyoming’s temperature by five degrees.
8) The Kardashian clan has buttoned their blouses all the way up.
7) Climate-change deniers start scheduling their annual “Global warming, my ass!” press conferences.
6) Hillary Clinton breaks out her ice tiara.
5) You gather the family around a witch’s tit for warmth.
4) The state of Florida asks President Trump to build a wall on its northern border.
3) Ann Coulter’s heart just asked for a sweater.
2) The Devil just ordered red thermal “Make Hell Great Again” long johns.
And the #1 sign it’s too F*#king cold…
1) Junior just chipped his milk teeth on your wife’s nipples.
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn’t complain.
