Topic: relationships

Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.

  • Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV

    The Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV

    15. Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.

    14. Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.

    13. He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.

    12. The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.

    11. Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”

    10. Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.

    9. Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.

    8. He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.

    7. To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.

    6. Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.

    5. She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.

    4. The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.

    3. He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent: “Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”

    2. “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”

    1. Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Chapters in Sex for Dummies

    The Top 16 Chapters in “Sex for Dummies”

    16. Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor Sex Partners

    15. Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE: Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)

    14. Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position

    13. Starting Out: Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?

    12. Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14 Simple Steps

    11. The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All Those Other People

    10. Chapter 4: No, You Don’t *Actually* Blow

    9. Stop Masturbating, She’s Real!

    8. You’re Britney, I’m Strom: Introduction to Role Playing

    7. Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester

    6. Putting a Condom on a Banana is Just for *Practice*, Dumbass

    5. Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to Sexual Positions

    4. “Alternate” Lifestyles: Pokeman?

    3. Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!

    2. Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory

    1. Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Reasons Last Nights Date Was a Failure

    The Top 16 Reasons Last Night’s Date Was a Failure

    16. Two words: Crying Game

    15. Putting chopsticks in your nose doesn’t go over so well since you hit the big four-oh.

    14. You woke up in a tu-tu, a bra and scuba flippers – but where the hell is your hockey mask?

    13. Losing that Happy Meal prize to your date in an arm-wrestling contest kind of put a damper on the rest of the evening.

    12. You roll over and find a naked Ed Asner next to you.

    11. You brought flowers and candy, she brought a lawyer and a restraining order.

    10. O.J. Simpson mask definitely not a big hit.

    9. Her job as an Elvis impersonator didn’t bother you until you discovered the sideburns are real.

    8. You didn’t feel the earth move, but you learned an awful lot about life insurance.

    7. Severe paper cuts from that popcorn-box trick forced you to go to the emergency room alone.

    6. Everything was going great until the conversation shifted to rejected names for hurricanes.

    5. The only tongue you got was at the deli counter.

    4. A generally accepted rule of thumb is that your date should have the same number of digits after the date as before.

    3. Your date’s position as environmental spokesperson really kept you from enjoying your porpoise sandwich.

    2. You were only being honest, Gene Hackman in drag *is* arousing

    1. Dinner reservations at House of Beans.

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  • Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses

    The Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses

    16. “Ow… I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey… who are YOU?”

    15. “I’m sorry, but there just isn’t room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator.”

    14. “I’ve got this disease… it’s called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious.”

    13. “You’re too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We’re the same age? Well, that doesn’t work for me, either.”

    12. “We’re just so different, you and I. You’re an extrovert, I’m an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I’m* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath.”

    11. “You’ve gone from ‘sponge-worthy’ to merely ‘spongy.’”

    10. “Dear Christine: By the time you read this I’ll be a woman…”

    9. “I have early-onset onanism.”

    8. “You’re no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.”

    7. “My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it… yeah — on the subway, I think.”

    6. “Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don’t even know who you ARE anymore!”

    5. “My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.”

    4. “It’s not *you*, it’s me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.”

    3. “I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you’re a snake and I’m a mongoose.”

    2. “We just don’t have anything in common anymore — you’re a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.”

    1. “I’m holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 13 Signs Youre Taking Your Breakup Too Hard

    The Top 13 Signs You’re Taking Your Breakup Too Hard

    13. The tears flow in the produce section as the sight of two perfect cantaloupes bring memories of her flooding back.

    12. You keep calling his old number in the Oval Office, even though you know that new dumb guy always picks up.

    11. You don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have your dotcom stocks to console y– uh-oh.

    10. You keep mailing her threatening letters because her restraining orders smell like her.

    9. Even your therapist suggests that you “take the manly route of suicide.”

    8. You start writing country songs… and the country is Bosnia.

    7. You ask your pastor if it’s improper to have a funeral for your penis.

    6. You’re too depressed to get out of bed and stalk her.

    5. Keeping a stained dress: Tacky
    Using it to clone an army of SuperPresidents: Creepy

    4. You haven’t returned any of Rupert Murdoch’s calls about appearing on “Who Wants to Catch a Multimillionaire on the Rebound?”

    3. Inspired by a combination of true love and a court order, you’re always just over 50 yards away.

    2. “All your albums are belong to me!”

    1. You cry every time you take a leak, because *she* used to take a leak.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 12 Signs Your Ex Is Dating a Convict

    The Top 12 Signs Your Ex is Dating a Convict

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

    12. She calls to ask you the meaning of “conjugal.”

    11. Her new bumper sticker: “Convicts do it for life.”

    10. She proudly says she finally found a man who sleeps in the same bed every night.

    9. She only feels comfortable speaking to you on the phone when you’re on opposite sides of the same window.

    8. Your ex *is* a convict.

    7. Back from custody weekend, little Timmy asks if he can have a steel toilet next to his bed, “just like Uncle Snake!”

    6. You hear her asking the kids if the “screws” at daycare are treating them right.

    5. Your children’s response to why drugs are bad is “they violate your parole.”

    4. You’re spending another weekend with the kids because “Mommy’s visiting the Conjugals.”

    3. She boasts: “He’s a former child TV star!”

    2. Your kids try to guess how many cigarettes their birthday presents are worth.

    1. Her license plate is autographed.

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  • Top 12 Pickup Lines at the Masturbate-a-Thon (X-Rated)

    The Top 12 Pickup Lines Used at the Masturbate-a-Thon (X-rated version)

    12. “Can I interest you in a protein shake?”

    11. “Hey, handsome. Would you like some coffee with that cream?”

    10. “Hey, is that a cucumber in your pocket? And if so, can I borrow it for about 15 minutes?”

    9. “Avoid the clam dip.”

    8. “I don’t mean this to sound like a typical pick-up line, but you have beautiful labia.”

    7. “Hello, Richard. My name’s Dick. Have you met my friend, Peter?”

    6. “How’d you like to blow this joint?”

    5. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘goo’ and ‘eye’ together.”

    4. “Care to get rid of the sock and slip into something more comfortable?”

    3. “Come here to come here often?”

    2. “Oops — sorry about that. Consider it a compliment. Can I get you a towel?”

    1. “Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
    Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
    Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
    Wanna fuck? Yes? Great!”

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  • FAQ for Women About Men

    The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

    Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
    A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally confused as women. It’s a proven fact.

    Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
    A: YES. Before if possible.

    Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
    A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

    Q: How long should the sex act last?
    A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don’t feel left out – while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.

    Q: What is “afterplay”?
    A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. “Afterplay” is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

    Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
    A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

    Q: What about the female orgasm?
    A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.

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  • The Taxi Driver

    A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

    The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

    “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

    “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

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  • Top 12 Cartoon Character Pick-Up Lines

    The Top 12 Cartoon Character Pick-Up Lines

    12. Wimpy — “I’d gladly pay you Tuesday for a hummer today.”

    11. Foghorn Leghorn — “Ah say, boy, ah say, you’ve got it all wrong. Those little chickens you’ve been chasing around are roosters. What you want is a big ol’ hen, like me.”

    10. Bart Simpson — “Eat my shorts, ma’am!”

    9. Batman — “Wanna help to dispel those nasty rumors about me and the Boy Wonder?”

    8. Speedy Gonzales — “Senorita, it’s just a nickname!”

    7. Pepe LePew — “But, mon cherie — I don’t smell any worse than anyone else in France.”

    6. Ross Perot — “I’m worth $4 billion.”

    5. Porky Pig — “L-L-Let’s go back to my place and f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fu-f-f-fu… hump.”

    4. Popeye — “I’m strong to the finish ’cause I takes Viagra!”

    3. Pinocchio — “Hey, I *am* a woody!”

    2. Underdog — “My heart is for you, my Polly, dear; You are pure and true, can I sniff your rear?”

    1. Tweety Bird — “I wuuuv to eat putty!”

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