When she’s getting ready to show you the advantages of dating an older woman…
Topic: sex
Dark sex jokes, adult memes, awkward hookups, bedroom disasters, and the kind of punchlines that should probably clear their browser history afterward.
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The Third Old Lady Couldnt Reach
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench.
All of a sudden a strange man in a trench-coat walks in front of them and blatantly flashes them.
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady also had a stroke.
But the third old lady couldn’t reach.
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Our Prayers Have Been Answered
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, l have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!”
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Havent Seen You for Weeks
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
“Because he used to live in a brothel” says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: “Fuck me, a new brothel!” The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: “Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!” The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: “Fuck me Pete, haven’t seen you for weeks!”
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You Can Choose Any Prize From the Bottom Shelf
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment where he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized bears on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.
The man is rather surprised that she would have a collection of teddy bears, especially a collection so extensive, but he decided not to mention it. He turned to her… they kissed… and then they ripped each other’s clothes off and made passionate love.
After an intense night of passion, as were are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolled over and asked the stupid question that all men seem to ask at some point: “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can choose any prize from the bottom shelf.”
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Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
15. Strawberry flavoring provides no actual nutrients.
14. Caution: Your partner may become unwilling to purchase the cow when milk is plentiful and free of charge.
13. Help! I’m trapped in a condom factory in Hong Kong.
12. Do not use if already semen-filled.
11. Will not prevent the endless ridicule from best friends who saw you leaving the bar with the mustached woman shortly before closing time.
10. Caution: Sheep have been known to bite.
9. Training wheels not included, Quick-Draw McGraw.
8. Expires: 4/1/07. Hell, you might as well just throw this away now, Sparky.
7. After closing time at the bar, some settling may occur.
6. Use of this product outside the holy sacrament of marriage may cause eternal suffering in hell. Just saying.
5. Warning: Object in condom may be substantially smaller than wearer claims.
4. “Reservoir” tip is a naming convention only and not meant to describe actual holding capacity.
3. Does not protect against cucumber aphids.
2. Personally Inspected by John Ashcroft.
1. Caution: Always keep in a moist, dark place.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
15. Purchase of this product does not guarantee opportunity to actually use this product.
14. Improper attachment may create choking hazard.
13. DANGER: You *do* realize he’s never going to call you after this, don’t you?
12. We call it “large,” but that’s just to make you feel better, stud.
11. This product does not prevent beer-goggle regret.
10. “Ribbed” is in no respect meant to imply any guarantee that your particular use of this object will actually result in “her pleasure.”
9. Caution: Contents should not be mixed with alcohol and high school reunions.
8. The United States Government has recommended a Constitutional Amendment banning use of this product by anyone who is single or under 18 years of age.
7. The baby you prevent with this prophylactic will forever jab your sinning ass with pitchforks in Hell.
6. Only to be used in a locked and upright position.
5. Warning: May be used by pedophile circus clowns to make balloon French poodles.
4. Using this condom for same-sex acts is inconsistent with U.S. government policy — and don’t think we’re not watching, Nancy-Boy!
3. Caution: Removal process may involve painful yanking of pubic hair.
2. Not to be taken internally unless filled with cocaine.
1. Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking after use of this product has been found to cause cancer in happy, sexually satisfied laboratory animals.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex
The Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex
15. Madonna: “Dammit, you’re blocking the mirror!”
14. Verizon Wireless guy: “Can you feel me now? Good. Can you feel me now? Good. Can you….”
13. Charlie Sheen: “Do you take MasterCard?”
12. Susan Sarandon: “Let’s just continue with the inspections for a little while longer.”
11. Anna Nicole Smith: “Quick! Someone get a defibru… a defebrul… a diffruberal… a doctor!!”
10. Jack Webb: “Just relax, Ma’am.”
9. Andy Rooney: “Didja ever notice how sometimes your anus contracts during orgasm? Why is that?”
8. Winona Ryder: “How the hell should *I* know where your wallet is?!?”
7. Ben Affleck: “Thank you, Satan!”
6. Steve Irwin: “Crikey! A whopper like that could swallow a guy whole!”
5. Tony Blair: “Mind if I call you ‘Georgie’?”
4. Pat Sajak: “Yes, I can give you an ‘O’ — in fact, I can give you several!”
3. Wilt Chamberlain: “Next!”
2. Michael Jackson: “Where’s your daddy? Where’s your daddy?!?”
1. Simon Cowell: “That was horrible! Just dreadful. I believe you may be the worst sex partner in the world! I mean it, that was absolutely atrocious. I wouldn’t even call that sex.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
The Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
15. Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.
14. Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.
13. He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.
12. The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.
11. Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”
10. Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.
9. Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.
8. He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.
7. To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.
6. Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.
5. She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.
4. The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.
3. He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent: “Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”
2. “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”
1. Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
