Bait and switch joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.
Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled.
“What happened to you?” asked Putin.
“Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19 year old and 21 year old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin.
The driver replies, “I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
At my vasectomy consultation, the doctor said, “Now THIS is a big, beautiful penis!”
Then he pulled his pants back up and told me to get undressed.
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” and that also ate things.
The first little boy said, “Alligator.” “Very good James, that’s a big word.”
The second boy said, “Predator.” “Yes, that’s another big word Alan, well done.”
Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.”
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, “That’s a big word Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything.”
“Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, “Hello class. I’m Miss Prussy. When you say my name, remember it has an ‘R’ after the first letter.”
The entire class says, “Hello, Miss Prussy!”
A few days later, Johnny’s regular teacher is out again, and Miss Prussy has returned as the substitute.
She says, “Good morning, Johnny. Do you remember my name?”
Johnny thinks hard, and he says to the teacher, “I remember it has an ‘R’ after the first letter.”
“That’s right!” she coaxed.
After a few seconds, little Johnny says, “Miss Crunt?”
Bob and his wife started dieting a week ago.
Yesterday, his wife suggested they have a cheat day.
She came home with pizza and McDonald’s French fries.
Bob came home with his secretary.
Visiting hours for Bob are between 9:00am and 2:00pm at Jackson Memorial Hospital.
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream at him…
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother. “She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you, honey,” she says. “Is there anything I can bring back for you?” He laughs and says, “An Italian girl.”
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?” he asks.
Confused, she replies, “Which present?”
“The one I asked for, the Italian girl,” he answers.
With a sly grin, she replies, “Oh, that. I did what I could, but we’ll just have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”
