A mother and father are digging through their son’s room looking for drugs. The father finds a box full of leather, chains, and S&M magazines.
Mother: Oh my god! What do we do?
Father: Whatever you do, don’t fucking spank him.
Delivery Style: bait and switch
Bait and switch joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Leaving Early
Three women all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the ladies decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never came back to work, or called to check in, so how would she possibly know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to get home early… she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and had an early dinner with her husband.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
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The Seeing-Eye Chihuahua
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!”
The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.”
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”
The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”
The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”
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Harolds First Day in the Carpool
It was Harold’s first day in the carpool.
The guys honked the horn in front of his house and he came running out.
He got about halfway down the walk when he heard a grunt and the sound of his wife’s foot tapping on the porch.
He turned around and there she was, scowling at him.
He ran back to the steps, spread her bathrobe, bent over, kissed her downstairs, ran back down the walk and hopped in the car.
The guys rode in silence for a few minutes until the driver couldn’t stand it anymore and he asked, “Harold, it’s none of my business, but why’d you kiss her down there?”
Harold replied, “You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning.”
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Grandma’s Photo Suggestion
A man moves into a nudist colony.
A few days later, he receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send a recent photo of himself in his new home.
Embarrassed to let her know he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day, he realizes he accidentally sent the bottom half.
He panics, but then remembers how poor his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from her.
It reads:
My dearest grandson,
It was so wonderful to receive your letter and picture. It made my whole week, and I’m so happy to see you’re settling into your new home.
I do have one small suggestion, though. You should really change your hairstyle. It makes your nose look too short.
Love always,
Grandma -
The Bald Man and the Forest
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
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Military Family Tradition
On the first day of boot camp, a US Army drill instructor lined up his recruits.
“I’m curious as to how many of you come from military families. Did anyone in your family serve?” He points at one recruit.
“Yes sir!” The recruit answers. “My father served in Iraq during the War on Terror.”
“Good,” says the D.I. “What about you?” He points at another recruit.
“Yes sir!” The recruit answers. “My grandfather served in Desert Storm.”
“Good,” says the D.I. “What about you?” He points at another recruit.
“Yes sir!” The recruit answers. “My great-great grandfather fought at Normandy!”
“Ah, the finest day in the history of the United States military,” the D.I. says. “1st Infantry? 82nd Airborne?”
“No sir,” the recruit answers. “The 21st Panzer division.”
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The Difference Between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson
What was the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson fucked kids.
