The stunning advances in technology witnessed over the last few years make me believe that anything is possible, however unfathomable. Nonetheless, I wasn’t able to convince my girlfriend that her seeing me in bed with another woman was simply a glitch in the Matrix.
Format: one-liner
One-liners, quick jokes, short-form comedy, and punchlines built for impatient degenerates from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
Priest Scandals
I’m really disturbed about all these priest scandals I keep reading about in the papers. From what I can tell, the average priest is having more sex than I am.
-
Corporate Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we’ll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself — “Where the hell is the ceiling?”
12. My reality check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don’t suffer from stress — I’m a carrier…
15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!
16. Don’t meddle in the affairs of dragons, ’cuz, like, you’re crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo…
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
-
20 Sayings We’d Like to See on Those Office Inspirational Posters
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings… they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos… then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
-
Quotable Beer Quotes
“If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, it makes the beer shoot out of your nose.” — Jack Handy
It’s better to have a beer in hand than gas in the tank.
Beer — it’s just not for breakfast anymore.
Beer — Nature’s laxative.
“One more and I’ll be under the host.” — Dorothy Parker
“Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza.” — Dave Barry
“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” — Humphrey Bogart
“Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.” — David Moulton
“A drink a day keeps the shrink away.” — Edward Abbey
“People who drink ‘light’ beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.” — Capital Brewery, WI
“Put it back in the horse!” — H. Allen Smith, after his first American beer
“On the seventh day He brewed beer.” — Bill Bradshaw
Reality is the illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t have the decency to thank her.” — W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
The problem with jails is they have the wrong type of bars in there.
-
Not Looked Back Since
To save money on fuel I took the mirrors off of my car to reduce drag.
I’ve not looked back since.
-
Taco Bell’s Colon Cleanse
I wonder if the people paying $300 for a colon cleanse know about Taco Bell’s $4.99 deal.
-
Eats That Many Trains
My personal trainer said he eats five big meals and trains six days a week.
I have no idea how he eats that many trains.
-
Sting Operation
Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?
It was a sting operation.
