Format: one-liner

One-liners, quick jokes, short-form comedy, and punchlines built for impatient degenerates from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

They say a dog’s sense of smell is thousands of times better

They say a dog’s sense of smell is thousands of times better than that of a human. If that’s the case, why do dogs have to get their nose so damn close when sniffing each others butts?
I thought I’d be successful with my specialty furniture

I thought I’d be successful with my specialty furniture business, but every time I call a prospective customer and ask if they want to see my stool samples, they just gasp and hang up.
I try listening to my heart, really I do

I try listening to my heart, really I do.
There are no three words in the English language sexier or more

There are no three words in the English language sexier or more romantic than those three that every woman longs to hear a man say: “I’d hit that!”
I know a comedienne who is a natural at making up practical

I know a comedienne who is a natural at making up practical jokes about oral sex. You might say she has a good gag reflex.
I am routinely disgusted upon seeing my wife’s issues of

I am routinely disgusted upon seeing my wife’s issues of “Fitness” and “Shape” magazines, with scantily attired women adorning the cover. I mean, they *always* find a way to put the damn mailing label on top of the cameltoe!
My boyfriend keeps saying he wants to fuck me silly. That’s

My boyfriend keeps saying he wants to fuck me silly. That’s ridiculous — I’m already silly.
I think all in-flight movies should be porn. That way the Mile

I think all in-flight movies should be porn. That way the Mile High Club assholes could get if over with faster so the rest of us could use the damn toilet.
I don’t understand the fuss about letting gays serve in the

I don’t understand the fuss about letting gays serve in the military, especially when you consider how much the army likes to keep its privates at attention.
There’s no “I” in “sperm.” And hopefully after that quick kick

There’s no “I” in “sperm.” And hopefully after that quick kick to the crotch, there will be no more sperm in “eye.”