I hate it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re.
There so stupid.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
-
I’m Your Son’s Teacher
A man was waiting in line at the supermarket when an attractive woman walked up to him and said, “Hi there, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
The man winced and asked, “Are you the stripper from my bachelor party I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies cheering while another stripper smacked my bare ass with a wet fish?”
“Um, no,” the woman replied. “I’m your son’s teacher.”
-
Got Any Grapes
One day, a duck walks into a bar. He waddles up to the counter, hops onto a stool, and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender is surprised and says, “No, buddy. This is a bar. We only serve beer, whiskey, and peanuts here. No grapes.” The duck says, “Okay,” hops down, and leaves.
The next day at the same time, the duck comes back into the bar. He hops onto the stool and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender gets a bit annoyed this time. “Look, little guy, I told you yesterday. We don’t have grapes! If you come back here asking for grapes again, I won’t let you in.” The duck says, “Okay,” and leaves.
The third day, the duck appears at the door again. He approaches the counter, looks the bartender in the eye, and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender completely loses his temper. He slams his fist on the counter and yells, “That’s it! If you ask me for grapes one more time, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to this counter!”
The duck stares at the bartender for a few seconds, then quietly turns around and leaves.
The fourth day… the duck walks in once again. He calmly gets up on the stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, “Got any nails?”
The bartender takes a deep breath, confused, and says, “No, I don’t have any nails…”
The duck smiles and says, “Great! Got any grapes?”
-
You’re in the Team for This Saturday
Two 70-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives…
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day, Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his deathbed. “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.” Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him.
“Mike… Mike!”
“Who is it?”
“It’s me, Joe.”
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says, “is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!”
“That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday.”
-
Hitman School
Two men and a woman are going to hitman school…
Their teacher takes one of the men out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room, we have your wife. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill her.”
The guy says, “OK.” He goes into the room and comes out a few minutes later. He says, “I love her, I can’t do it.”
The teacher says, “You don’t have what it takes to be a hitman, get out of here.”
The teacher then does the same thing with the other guy, with the same result.
He then takes the woman out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room, we have your husband. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill him.”
She goes into the room, and he hears a gunshot, and then all hell breaks loose. There’s yelling and screaming plus furniture being broken. After about 15 minutes of this, the woman comes out looking dishevelled and says, “Why the hell did you put blanks in the gun? I had to beat the son-of-a-bitch to death.”
-
Practicing Law Somewhere
A tough lawyer is cross-examining a medical expert in court: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
“No.”
“Did you check for blood pressure?”
“No.”
“Did you check for breathing?”
“No.”
“So, then it is possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?”
“No.”
“How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
“Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.”
“I see… But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?”
“Yes, I suppose it’s possible that he was alive and practicing law somewhere.”
-
Who’s Going to Believe Him
A priest wakes up one Sunday morning to absolutely perfect golfing weather. After weeks of rain and wind, the sky is clear, the sun is shining, and there’s just the slightest breeze.
But of course… it’s Sunday. He’s supposed to lead the service.
On impulse, he decides to play hooky. He calls the other priest in the parish and says, “I’m not feeling well. Can you take the service today?”
As soon as he hears the church bells ring, he sneaks out to the golf course. Nobody will see him — everyone is in church.
Up in heaven, God and St. Peter are watching. St. Peter is outraged.
“Lord, what are you going to do about this? He skipped church… to golf!”
God just smiles.
The priest steps up to the first tee, swings, and — hole in one. He’s stunned. At the second hole, he swings again — another hole in one. The ball barely touches the grass.
St. Peter throws up his hands. “I saw that! The breeze changed right at the last second. That was YOU!”
God still says nothing.
At the next hole, the priest hits a terrible shot. The ball flies into the trees, hits a branch, rebounds, lands on the green, rolls in a perfect curve to the cup… circles it… rolls away… then slowly rolls BACK… and drops right in.
St. Peter is beside himself. “Lord! He’s having the best golf game of his entire life! This is punishment?”
God finally answers, “Tell me, Peter… who’s he going to tell? And if he does — who’s going to believe him?”
-
I Thought I Finally Found a Friend
A priest is walking in the park heading towards his church, when he suddenly hears a man shout, “Man, I sure do love minors!”
The priest turns around in shock and looks at the man who is talking on his phone. “Yeah! I mean you wouldn’t expect it, but they really know what they’re doing down there! They’re great at handling business!”
The priest’s eyes widen in shock. He starts walking towards the man and is about to say something when the man goes, “Honestly dude, they deserve every penny of their salary! My company would go bankrupt if it wasn’t for those miners!”
The priest stops, turns around and continues towards his church. At the church, the priest is visibly upset. One of the nuns finally asks him what the problem is, and the priest explains the whole story and how he misjudged the man.
At the end, with tears in his eyes, the priest goes, “You know, I thought I finally had found a friend!”
-
I Don’t Know How Much He Charges for Howard
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy about 9 opened the door.
“Is your dad or your mum home?” asked the farmer.
“No, they went to town,” the boy replied.
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No, he went with mum and dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or I can give dad a message,” said the boy.
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your dad. It’s about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment.
“You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
