My least favourite colour is purple.
I dislike it more than red and blue combined.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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The Gym Teacher’s Demonstration
A principal is in a health class telling them it will be sex education week and gym teacher Mr. Wilson will be teaching.
The principal exits the classroom, then comes in walking Mr. Wilson with a banana in hand.
“Class, today I will be teaching you all how to properly put on a condom.”
The kids look at him and the banana.
Mr. Wilson tells them, “You’re probably wondering why I have a banana. Well, because it’s hard for me to get an erection on an empty stomach.”
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Can You Tell the Time
A drunk man comes home late. His wife sees him and angrily exclaims, “Are you drunk again?!”
The man shakes his head and answers, “No, I am not drunk!”
“Okay, then prove it. There’s a clock over there. Can you tell the time?”
“Of course I can!” says the man.
He turns toward the clock and screams, “Hey! I am not drunk!”
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I Just Don’t See It
My friend thinks that a woman in camouflage is really sexy.
I just don’t see it.
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Up to My Chin Should Do It
A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, “Try a milk bath.”
So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guy asks, “You want that pasteurized?”
“Nah,” the man replies. “Up to my chin should do it.”
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Stuck It in Cider
A man with an unshakeable erection asks for help from the pharmacist.
The lady who attends to him has never seen a problem this persistent and is unsure how to proceed. At first, she tried putting it in rubbing alcohol, but that didn’t help. Next up was mild citric acid, but that had no effect. She tried dipping it into everything from mineral oil to shampoo, but nothing would cure it.
Finally, she had a bright idea and stuck it in cider.
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I Can Tell by the Voice
A guy comes home completely drunk, and his wife is furious. “How much have you had to drink this time?” she says.
“Nothing,” mumbles the guy.
“Listen to me, you liar!” she shouts. “It’s either me or the goddamn bar. Which is it?”
And the guy says, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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Ana o Machigaeta
A businessman was both nervous and excited about an upcoming trip to Japan for a series of meetings at the home office. While there he would be playing golf with the president of the company.
The man was so nervous the night before leaving his Japanese wife… did what wives often do to calm their husband’s nerves before a big trip… Let’s just say that in the throes of marital passion her English often escaped her…
That night she said, “Ana o machigaeta” in a particularly intense voice. Her husband thought, “Whoa! It must be going really well!”
The next day he boarded his plane. The day after he was on the golf course with the company’s president. They got to about the 9th hole. The president hit a hole in one! The man, while trying to learn Japanese, wasn’t that confident yet… So remembering what his wife said the other night, he blurted out, “Ana o machigaeta!”
The president turning to look at him, replied, “What you mean ‘wrong hole?’”
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Childhood Punishments, Adult Goals
All of my childhood punishments have become my adult goals:
Eating vegetables, staying home, taking a nap, going to bed early.
