Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
Sally, Billy Ray’s wife, pregnant with her first child, was at her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she said, “My husband wants me to ask you…”
“I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” Sally answered. “Billy Ray wants to know if I can still mow the yard.”
A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
“Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”
The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him, “What’s your name?”
“John,” the new bloke replied.
The foreman scowled. “Look, I don’t know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It’s weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only — Smith, Jones, Baker, that’s all. If I want a job done, I yell, ‘Baker, get this’ or ‘Jones, do that.’ Now that we have that straight, what’s your last name?”
The new bloke sighed. “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly… “Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is…!”
Old Doc Henderson had been wanting to get out to his deer stand for weeks, and one Thursday morning he decided enough was enough — the fish and the deer weren’t going to wait forever.
He pulled his janitor, Clarence, aside and said, “Clarence, I need a favor. I’m going to head out to the woods for the day. You think you can hold down the fort here at the clinic? Answer the phone, show folks in, handle anything minor. I’ll give you fifty dollars.”
Clarence puffed up a little. “Doc, you can count on me.” So Doc Henderson grabbed his rifle and his thermos and headed out, and Clarence settled behind the front desk like a man born to the role.
The next morning, Doc came back and found Clarence looking very pleased with himself.
“Well, Clarence? How did things go?”
“Smooth as silk, Doc,” Clarence said, leaning back in his chair. “Three patients total. First fellow came in complaining of a headache. I gave him a couple of Tylenol and a glass of water and sent him on his way.”
“Good thinking,” Doc said. “Second patient?”
“Lady with a stomachache. I found some Maalox in the cabinet, gave her a dose, and she felt better almost right away.”
“Excellent,” said Doc. “And the third?”
Clarence’s expression shifted just slightly. He cleared his throat.
“Well,” he said, “I was out back having my afternoon cigarette when I heard the front door fly open. I came back inside and found a woman standing in the waiting room in quite a state — very agitated, very distressed.
Before I could say a word, she had kicked off her shoes, thrown her coat over a chair, and stretched herself right out on the examination table. And she looked up at me and hollered, ‘Please help me — I haven’t seen a man in over two years!’”
Doc Henderson stared. “Good lord, Clarence. What in the world did you do?”
Clarence shrugged calmly. “Put drops in her eyes.”
I was at this new tech-themed restaurant the other day.
When I walked in, the whole place was decorated like the inside of a computer. Tables looked like motherboards, placemats like keyboards, and the glasses were giant USB sticks.
The host greeted me — dressed in full “nerd” attire, glasses, pocket protector, the works — but something felt off. He just seemed really, really sad. I brushed it off and got seated.
The waitress who brought the menu barely said a word. Honestly, she seemed even more depressed than the host.
After perusing the “main menu,” I decided to have the fish and microchips.
The waiter taking my order was barely listening, then suddenly started crying as he wrote it down and walked off in tears. I’m thinking… what is going on here?
Anyway, 25 minutes goes by… then 45… then an hour. No food. No staff.
So I finally stopped the manager.
“Hey man, what’s going on? I’ve been waiting an hour. Where’s my food, and why is everyone so upset?”
He looks at me and says, “Sorry, sir… all of our servers are down.”
A man and a woman happened to be seated side by side in first class on a cross-country flight. The flight was smooth, the seats were comfortable, and they had both settled in with their books.
Then, without warning, the woman sneezed. She reached for a tissue, dabbed her nose politely — and then shuddered from head to toe as though someone had plugged her in. The man glanced over but said nothing.
A few minutes later it happened again. She sneezed, reached for her tissue, and once more shook like a leaf in a thunderstorm. The man shifted in his seat. He tried to focus on his book. He could not.
After the third time it happened, he set his book down, turned to her as discreetly as he could, and said, “Pardon me, ma’am — I don’t mean to pry, but three times now you’ve sneezed and then, well, shuddered something fierce right afterward. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”
The woman looked a touch embarrassed but smiled graciously. “That’s very kind of you,” she said. “I have a rather rare medical condition. Every time I sneeze, I — how shall I put this — I have a very strong orgasm.”
The man blinked. He opened his mouth. He closed it again. Then he said, “Goodness. I’ve never heard of anything like that. Are there any treatments? What do you take for it?”
She turned to him with a perfectly straight face and replied, “Pepper.”
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition…
On the way back the wife, very worried, asks, “So, honey? How’s my mum doing?”
He replies, “She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!”
“Wow that’s amazing!” says the wife. “But this is very strange, dear… yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!”
“Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday,” he replied. “But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst.”
A newly married couple were lying in bed on the first night of their honeymoon when the husband, in a moment of what he would later describe as very poor judgment, propped himself up on one elbow and said, “Sweetheart… can I ask you something personal? How many men have you been with before me?”
His wife said nothing. He waited. Still nothing. She was lying perfectly flat on her back, staring at the ceiling with a faraway expression.
“Honey?” he tried again. “I hope I didn’t offend you. I was just curious. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
Not a word. He started to feel genuinely bad. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Truly. It doesn’t matter one bit. I love you completely, whatever your answer might be.”
He waited another minute. She kept staring at the ceiling. Her lips moved ever so slightly. He leaned in close. “Sweetheart? Are you all right?”
She turned to him slowly, with the look of a woman who has been very seriously interrupted, and said, “For heaven’s sake, would you please stop talking? I’m still counting.”
